Affirmation

I read an interesting article on the Daily Om the other day and there was a line in it which will become my mantra: “…affirm the formation of healthy relationships in your life.” How powerful. So, yes, I am affirming…not exactly one type of relationship but all kinds of relationships, including the one with myself.

Random Thoughts

Today I woke up immensely tired. I felt as if I needed at least 5 more hours worth of sleep to feel ok. I dragged myself out of bed after waking up late to begin with. Truth be told I have been working very long hours for the past 3 weeks. This hard work culminated into a successful event last night. Yipee! Today, with the demand of meetings and emails needing to be returned, I felt as if I was on autopilot. I hate feeling that way.

In the evening I rushed to my physical therapy appointment –my knees needed some attention. In fact I feel as if a lot of me needs attention…but that’s another blog entry topic…

I ended the night watching Latino in America on CNN. Like Black in America I wonder if these specials do more harm than good. Still waiting on the Muslim in America special.

So, here I am, almost 12am and an end to another day….should go to bed soon, being on autopilot another day just will not cut it, especially when there are things to do.

When the rainbow isn’t enough

This past weekend I watched Brick City, a five-part documentary series about the work that Mayor Cory Booker,other communities groups and individuals are doing to make the city of Newark a thriving city. In one scene ( it was a rather quick scene) there is the little boy, couldn’t be more that 11, who was getting ” beat in” by members of a gang. This, made me scream out in horror. He was a baby being hit by  approximately 10 older boys/men. All trying to welcome him into the “family.” I still have flashbacks of what I saw.  This is not coming from a place of judgment, about whether a gang is right or wrong ( truth be told, there are a lot of gangs out there some are just more socially accepted more that others) but it is the idea of wanting to belong so badly that one would allow a group of people to beat them in. Where is that little boy right now? Has become hardened already? Is he still alive? What crimes have he committed? Does he feel remorse?

There was so much to celebrate from that documentary, the city is making great strides, butthat section still lingers. There was another scence where a principal of the main high school stated to the kids after a shoot out happened in front of their school, “This is not normal.” I think the reason why I cried was the fact that there are a lot of kids, babies, who think that it is.

Blueprint

There is so much to do at work, at the moment, and juggling various balls in the air seems to be a real circus act. In my personal life I feel– not frustrated–but not impressed by the way I have moved my own personal goals to the back burner. We are often told that we should put ourselves first, but there is never a blueprint to follow. Each decision comes with its own consequence and just when you have time to take a break, it is time for bed. I do not think I want to live me life between circus acts and slumber. I want to live a full life, but where is the blueprint for that,too?

Support

Quickly I write…my computer is still not the best and shuts off when it gets too hot,but I felt like I need to put words on this blog tonight. I am going through some growth now, but not in some wild and crazy way, which can happen with  growth, but in a very knowing way. I feel supported by things seen and unseen.

There are times that even after a storm the most beautiful rainbow can appear, that’s how I see what happened to me this weekend, and although I will not go into details on this page. I can say that after the tears, the anger and the pain, I find myself recognizing, finally realizing where all that emotion was coming from. I am taking steps to heal in an holistic way, and one that I believe is true to me–whatever feels good and feeds my soul. And I have suport and I am surrounded by love and that is the best time for any kind of growth.

Acknowledgement Pt. II

Wow, it has been over two years that I have been writing and posting on this blog. And even during that time I have grown so much: The ups and downs, the books and new and old relationships, new lessons and observations–constant interactions with words and imagery from different mediums all have contributed to where I am now. Today is not the actual anniversary ( it is often an oversight on the actual days), better yet, it is an acknowledgment of where I was then and where I am now, and hopefully, the possibilities of the future…

Listening to Adele’s 19 at the moment. Her voices seems to put me in a nostalgic mood.

Brother, I’m Dying

I am reading this exceptionally well-written memoir by Edwidge Danticat and I have been moved to tears on several occasions. Any immigrant child who has been left behind in their home country, while their parent(s) went to another country “for a better life,” can identify with this book. Anyone who has loved an aunt or  an uncle like a parent can identify with book. Once, I was so enthralled by a particular chapter in the book, while on the train, and was on the verge of crying when I caught myself in that specific emotion and wondered if anyone noticed. If I were on the train and noticed someone’s reaction like I had to the book, I would want to know more…I might even stop the person and ask.

I remember picking this book up in the bookstore, just to read a couple of lines, when it first graced the shelves , but never bought it. I truly believe that books or  stories find you when you need them or are ready to receive them–I am going home, to Jamaica, in November, after being away for 16 years. God Willing.

How Long Do I Want to Be Loved?

I have been attempting to hold on to the serenity that Ramadan provided me…maybe I should say, the serenity that I allowed myself to regain during Ramadan. Now, things are picking up at work and I am barely going to my retreat during lunch breaks–eating and socializing have taken back their reign. I have only gone twice this week to my sanctuary. Yet, I am thankful, and I am finding other ways and times to reconnect with myself and with the Divine: From deep breaths, and morning prayers, to writing in my journal and reminding myself that I am worth all the goodness in life, to now volunteering at a local food pantry just to get out of my own sense of victim hood that I get caught up in some times…I am feeling more grounded and rooted. This feeling, I know, will not be continuous, life makes certain of it, but I am slowly rebuilding  my foundation (I think), and I pray that on bad days I can dig deep in and not stay down too long wallowing in self pity.

As I write this, I am listening to Dixie Chicks’ Lullaby and a line from the song asks, “How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough?” I am asking myself that questions;  I am feeding myself  those lines, loving me. I want the love that is expressed in that song to be the way in which I love myself– soft, understanding, unconditional love. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.

Just For Today

Being in the present… The more I pray, the more it grounds me. It allows me to take a moment and reflect and check in with me. I have been listening to a lot of India Arie lately. I do not know if I talked about this in past blog entries, but for Ramadan, when I am at work, I have made it a point to take out at least a half of an hour of my day to sit in the old cemetery/new garden in a church nearby, write in my journal and meditate or just sit and admire the world around me–the birds, the leaves falling… this nourishes me. Currently, I have this India Arie song, below, on repeat. There is indeed freedom in embracing the present moment.

I Wanna Dance…with somebody

I discovered Raul Paz and his wonderful fusion of sensuality. With music like this, one cannot just sit and do nothing–hips are propelled into movement with his music playing: