Soldier of Love

I have been MIA lately — working, hard. Lately, I have been averaging 11-12 hours at work. My biggest struggle is to find balance and to be good to me. Been listening to a bunch of music, too, mainly to and from community meetings and my office. One of them is Sade’s latest, Soldier of Love. Realistically, it says a lot as to where my mind is, at the moment, when it comes to love and being in it — I’ma soldier. Ha!

Cryptic, isn’t it? I really wasn’t trying to be.

So, it’s already February and I find myself often thinking about the promises I made to myself for the New Year… and fear often follow, creeping, lazily,into my mind. On my vision board are constant reminders of those promises, and while I juggle long hours, struggle with eating and sleeping well, I try to be in each moment and ignore fear and hope that it finds another mind to call home.

Insist!

Today was pretty hectic. I made sure that I took some time to go to the park close by and do three-part breathing. I learned this technique at Kripalu and I see how much it is helping me. At Kripalu I created a vision board and it’s propped up on my bookcase, which is in front of my bed and I see it all the time before I go to bed, when I leave for work and all the activities in between. The thing is, I sense the fear that is within me and the questions that are often in my mind, which are just things to prohibit me. And with things being so hectic at work, here goes another limitation or excuse for  why I am not doing what I am supposed to.  I am cautious about my fate, and the things that are intrinsic are often the hardest to overcome. Last night or this morning (I am not sure when exactly), while thinking thoughts like these, a phrase came to mind: “Insist of living your best life!”

Haiti in Words, Sound and Memory

A friend posted this on Facebook, and I thought that my blog would be a great place to post it, as well: Edwidge Danticat, one of my favorite authors, reminding us, some years earlier, of the richness of Haitian culture and the contribution that it has made to Humanity. Gale Pot!

Do Something

As I sat down with my parents yesterday, I listened as they used the tragedy in Haiti as an example of the world coming to an end. “It’s biblical…” my mom continued to say and my dad followed along with examples and quotes…and I just sat there because I realized that I prompted the conversation by saying that a lot of what has been going on in Haiti was man made.

David Brooks wrote this horrible op-ed piece on the crisis in Haiti, and I just shook my head as I read his words of judgment that were colored in black and white. Everyone has their views and the “blame game” has many players . I guess I, too, might be seeing things through a particular lens.

I pray for Haiti, I pray for my brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and grandparents who are there. And while some sit and analyze, there are people who are in pain and who are hurting and there are people who are actually doing something about it.

End of Year Report

Today, as I sat in my cubicle at work, I overheard my co-worker state that she was glad that 2009 was over.  For me, 2009 was a mixed bag, but for the most part it was a good year — I grew a lot. And  I have come a far way from 2008! For the New Year Weekend  I am going off to the Berkshires. My plan is to claim this upcoming New Year and continue this period of growth. I want to be more creative, healthy, cultivate my passion and the list goes on. I seriously want to really let go and truly forgive AND not try to figure everything and everyone out, things like that are just not possible… I sometimes feel as if I can’t even figure me out much less someone else. So, with the reality of living in the time of terrorism and Islamaphobia, the recession, increased poverty and hunger, I choose to be optimistic, looking forward to the new year and I am thankful for my present state of existence and I acknowledge things of the past.

Ash Wednesday (Excerpt)
T.S. Eliot

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man’s gift and that man’s scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is
nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessèd face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice…

Turkiye

I am not sure how descriptive I was about my trip to Turkey, but I know that I at least alluded to how much I enjoyed myself, and to a certain degree the trip changed me. My friend’s husband even told me how he noticed a change in me since my return — in a good way. So, it comes as no surprise that I want to return and even live there for a time.

A friend of mine who is Turkish American told me about this book that talks about James Baldwin’s time in Turkey. He stayed there for approximately ten years. I love James Baldwin. I love his books, his speeches, his complexities…and so much more and so I can see why she highlighted this book for me. The book, “James Baldwin’s Turkish Decade: Erotics of Exile” discusses his experience and also his influence on the country. I borrowed the book from the library this past Saturday (right before the big snowstorm hit the City) and was excited that it was there — I tried to borrow it when my friend first told me about it  but they did not have it then.

In between my errands, on the subway, I read the introduction by the author, skimmed the pages to see pictures and smiled at pictures of Baldwin in Taksim Square (where I stayed), the Bosphorus (where I visited), and other Turkish landmarks. ” Turkey saved my live” the author quoted him saying, and I guess, to some degree it did the same for me.

Love Jones

I watched Love Jones tonight, a movie riddled with poems, Jazz and the sensuality of love — black love. I became nostalgic and proceeded to post Sonia Sanchez’s Poem #3 on my Facebook page…while listening to the movie’s soundtrack. And even now as Dionne Ferris’ Hopeless is playing while I write this, I am hopeful.

Looking Forward

At times I find myself tempted to look back, and think about what might have been, or how I looked or how much money I did or did not have, or where I lived, even. On cold nights like this one, having a roof over your head will remind you to be thankful for the present.

This evening I went into my parents’ room to look in the mirror. I think I was trying to look at something on my pants or something, but in that moment I did a double take, and actually loved who I saw looking back at me. I thought she was BEAUTIFUL. I truly believed it, too. This belief was not arrogant — it was pure. I was not “made up” or anything; I didn’t have anything fancy on, but I saw a reflection of someone who had a light about her, and recognized that it was me! I stood there for a moment and then I said, “I think I am starting to finally accept you.”

So, I am trying to stay in the present, but I am looking forward, as well. I look forward to the time when I am not surprised at this acknowlegment that I gave myself today. I look forward to just being content with that contentment, and the purity of the love I will completely feel for myself.

Healing

I perused thesilentK’s blog the other night, and came across one of her entries, which propelled me to go to Borders the day after I read it. She talked about this book called Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing and highlighted  excerpts  which spoke to me directly:

“Everything in and about our lives runs off the fuel of our hearts. We will all have experiences meant to “break our hearts” – not in half but wide open. Regardless of how your heart is broken, your choice is always the same: What will you do with your pain?”

“From an energy point of view, every choice that enhances our spirits strengthens our energy field; and the stronger our energy field, the fewer our connections to negative people and experiences”

“…learn what rather than who draws power from you. Understand that the person who seems to be drawing your energy is actually only a reflection of some part of yourself. Concentrating on the person [...] will not heal you. You will only be sent more and more teachers, each more intense than the previous one. Your task is to learn the lesson the teacher has for you rather than to resent the teacher.”

“Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.”

I believe that the heart plays a big part in how we feel and interact with others–not just physically but emotionally. The statement ” learn what instead of who draws power from you…” makes perfect sense. I am just on the second chapter after buying it yesterday and although this is a relatively new read, I look forward to the lessons that I will  learn from it. More importantly I hope to just implement the changes that are necessary  for me.

The life I want to live

Have you ever felt as if you are on the cusp of something greater? I am. I believe that things are more possible for me than they have ever been. The question is, am I ready? Patience is very important and haste is never an option– missing out on the totality of the ‘blessing” might occur. (That realization just came to me.) I am in the middle of making a decision. I am at a fork in the road. I know the smart thing to do, but the smart thing to do is relative, isn’t it?

I wrote a list entitled, “The life I want to live” and  I guess I can use that as a blueprint for the decision I need to make. It is often hard being an adult, when you realize that life isn’t like a story and every decision bears a consequence. A professor of mine once said that if you are making a big decision and you find yourself constantly going back and forth, then it probably isn’t the right decision to make.

So, I pray to All who own the power in allowing me to see clearly, and I beckon the right decision, one that will guide me more closer to the life I want to live.