Student Vs. Teacher

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.”
– William Shakespeare

“If any man thinketh that he knoweth anything, he knoweth not yet as he ought to know”
–1 Corinthians 8:2 (The Bible–American Standard Version )

So, these two phrases summarize what I am thinking at the moment– I don’t know jack! I am not saying this in a deprecating way at all. I am saying this because I am learning so much this year. I am reading so many new and wonderful books– discovering authors–expanding my mind. Yet, the more I read, the more I am finding out there is so much to learn, and I am loving it! There are books to read, places to go,miles to run. Speaking of running (tangent,lol), I have decided to run a 5k next year. I am not sure if many of you know this, but I have lost over 70lbs. Last year, as a part of my weight lost goal, I ran a 5k. I did this in 40 minutes, but I completed it! This year I want to complete it in 20 minutes, at least. I began a 10 week training program last week, and I really want improve my time, and also do something good for a worthy cause.

Anyhoo, back from the tangent– I am loving life right now. I listened to a lecture by Jorges Luis Borges where he said he prefers being a reader to being a writer, and I totally understand. I prefer the role of a student than a teacher. I love to learn, to find something out that I never knew before–experiencing the newness of something.

Have you ever watched children when they are learning something new? It is amazing. What is even more amazing is the way in which they are totally present when learning. I want to constantly learn and be present in every moment of it. Life indeed is amazing!

Fear and Living

In this moment, I have realized how much fear has ruled my life. It is Sunday night and I’m playing some Bob, along with surfing the Internet, trying to find an old issue of the O Magazine, where Madeline Peyroux talks about her favorite Bob Marley cd. So, really nothing big. When I am idle, my mind wanders, and I tend to sometimes have my Aha moments and this just came to me: I have been afraid of what the future holds for me. I fear not being loved, not living up to my potential, of making the wrong decisions in life, and so on. The thing is, this fear will perpetuate all this, if I allow it to. I will not be loved by another, I will not live up to my potential, I will make wrongs decisions, because I will be afraid to live.

I cried last night people. I cried in front of a friend of mine who asked me questions about myself that I really did not have the answers to. I bawled because I was frustrated and believed that I should have had those answers because I needed to be perfect–my life needs to be perfect. The thing is there is no such thing as perfection. I have been comparing myself, my family to an ideal that does not exist! This comes from a place of fear–a fear of being misjudged, for not being adequate, for not being accepted.

I needed to cry, I needed to be vulnerable, because I am human. This wall that I have built to protect myself is no longer working for me. My poem entitled “Al Rah-man,” cried out to Allah for the simple act of feeling, of experiencing raw emotion. My prayer was answered. I felt raw emotion last night, over some sushi, in a restaurant. It was a quiet cry, but it was heart wrenching, it was real— it was unexpected. The thought crossed my mind that I shouldn’t post this, but then again, why shouldn’t I? I am not seeking attention. I am sharing.

I know most of the readers know me— some more personal than others, and honestly I do not care how I am perceived by you. This is not in a disrespectful way, you shouldn’t base your actions on how I perceive you either. Sarah McLachlan has this beautiful song entitled “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” and the songs begins, “Oh the fear has left me now, I am not frightened anymore..” and this is where I am. I have loved but I am not afraid to love again. I have made decisions that did not turn out the best way, but I learned a lot from them, and I pray that I have learned my lesson. I have faith that I will be fulfilled in life because I am empowered to do so. Fear does nothing but stifle who we truly are– powerful.

So, with the smell of incense still lingering in the air, and Bob playing in the background, I want to feel people, I want shine and I want live! I want to grow and praise the Most High through my life. I think that is the best praise one can offer to God, a life without regret and second guessing yourself—believing that He has equipped you to live your best life.

For the Love of Books…

Lol, listening to Jorges Luis Borges right now, and he said that sometimes when he is reading a book, he feels as if he would die before getting to the end of the book, and yet he cannot resist buying other books! This happens to me, often. I cannot resist going to bookstores. When I get to these stores, I often find books that are enticing. I want to own them, and read them right away! I often end up reading three or four books at a time! Then I feel guilty because I feel as if I haven’t really given the first book my full attention. Alas, the complexities of life .

Origin Of Love

I wrote this two months ago:

Know this: I come to you with the of best intentions
I seek to only love you and to know who you truly are
I seek to only care for you and to love the real you.
Stop this day and night with me and you will know the real origin of love
We will celebrate it together,
Reinventing its true meaning in each interaction with one another.

You will not question my sincerity
You will experience it in my words, my deeds and my touch
You will see the earnestness in my eyes
My soul lives within them and it cannot lie
Look deeply and know the truth.

Believe me, I am not perfect
My imperfections are true but not one ounce of my body
Desires less for you than what I desire for myself—all that is good.

Copyright © 2007 RNLH

Al-Rahman (The Merciful)

And yet I stand before you questioning my existence,
Too impatient to wait for time to unravel my destiny,
I sought the advice of sages and friends,
Instead of seeking comfort in You.

I am humbled by my own discourse,
Too confused to unravel my own thoughts,
Unable to tap into my own emotions,
I seek you now for clarity.

Allow your rays to warm my heart,
Awaken my soul once more,
For I am no longer afraid to feel.
Copyright © 2007 RNLH

Sentiments Unknown

 

Wrote this on the Light Rail, going to Penn Station a couple of weeks ago:

 

 

Sentiments Unknown

 

 

Unspoken words,
Intense emotions,
Words intensely connected to a higher plane.

Hearts racing, eyes entwined,
Bodies far apart– a table divides.

A case for show and tell,
A pink elephant ignored.

What theory will you assume?
What evidence will you give for such ambiguity?

Unanswered questions derived from a rambling mind,
Actions taken down a road blackened without illumination,
Forces the soul to search with its hands,
Afraid to touch–thorns may adorn this fantasized journey.

Be still in this moment heart,
Learn to be one with the mind,
Examine the feelings and the emotions,
Be one with the pain,
A once broken heart will discover a better remedy.
Copyright © 2007 RNLH

I MAN IS AN IMMIGRANT TOO

For some reason it seems as if the immigrant is being stereotyped into looking and sounding one way– Latino. This stereotype here, America needs to stop: the idea of “illegals” or undocumented individuals sneaking into this country being Mexican. Que? There is an array of people, from all over the world, coming into this country illegally; people come here from Europe, Asia, the West Indies, I could go on. There are people who live in Chinatown and do not know English. So when you are assuming that ESL is limited to only Spanish speaking individuals–think!

So, why am I venting about this issue? I think that we (humans) are quick to separate ourselves from the group currently under the microscope. So there are some people who have been in this country for decades, who are even more unforgiving on this immigration issue than people who were born here. There are people who act as if the immigration issue is strictly a Latino fight, including some Latinos.

Well, maybe it is a Maryland thing. In New York it’s black and brown all the way! Here we are separated; I am so not use to this. I am usually shouting, “Viva La Raza(!)” with my brown sisters and brothers, now I feel so removed from it all. Now I am the first to admit, I have been seeing a lot of blacks acting like they do not know what it is to be oppressed or marginalized or taken advantage of. See, I am stuck in the middle people: I am an immigrant but I look like my people have been in this country for centuries, and for a state like Maryland, that means a lot. So what am I trying to say? Well, let’s stop trying to compartmentalize ourselves, and just realize that we are HUMAN! It may sound like a cliché, but it is true. So the sister who I spoke to about helping in the fight, should not have been seeking allies, cause this thing is not just an immigrant fight, it’s fight for all of us.

To all My Fellow Ipod Owners

I am not sure if you’ve had this experience, but have you ever felt as if your ipod gets your mood on certain days and knows exactly what you want to listen to? Today is a rainy day and I placed my ipod on random. This happens when I either do not know what I want to listen to, or when I just want to be surprised. I selected the random/ album option. The ipod selected the album “Parachutes” by Coldplay (wicked awesome cd!); I listened to that album on the MARC this morning. Now I am listening to Bob Marley, a compilation called “Natural Mystic,” which has some of his most reflective and mellow songs. “Sun Is Shining” is currently playing– one of my favs! The album also has the songs “Natural Mystic,” “War” and “Easy Skanking.” A great album for a day like this. The only thing that would make this better would be playing it in my apartment, with a good book, a bowl of butternut squash/pumpkin soup and a blanket!

P.S. Now listening to “One Drop,” another fav, I love when he says, “Now feel this drum beat,” and then you hear the drum beat. If you love Bob, you understand. Irie

Awareness

It’s National Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I am reflective. Last year I ran the Revlon 5K in New York. While I did it to achieve a personal goal, most people ran and walked for family members and friends affected by cancer. Attached to their backs were signs dedicated to their moms, sisters, aunts etc. It made my little goal insignificant in that moment. Today I was reminded again about people being affected by this illness. A fellow student’s mom is battling cancer, for the second time. While checking in to see how her mom was doing, I looked at her and thought how foolish of me, to want one thing to go my way, when honestly, there are a million other things that are indeed going my way. I am aware and grateful for the things that are going well: my family is doing well; I am healthy, as far as I know; I have great friends, and I am learning more and more each day about being compassionate to myself, as well as to others. I looked at her trying to be brave for her mother, and I had to “check” my own selfishness.

Kiss Me, I’m Jamaican

I had a friend reminded me the other day, not intentionally, how beautiful my culture is. He played some oooole school Bob Marley, and it took me back to my childhood days. The music that came from that small island was and still is fabulous (some of the music nowadays are rather commercial, but I digress). I am talking about ska, dub music and reggae (which is different from dancehall music). These music forms often came from the most oppressed areas of my homeland. I have been listening to some of the music I heard growing up, tonight, and my heart is smiling (yay!).

Sometimes others have to remind you of the gifts that you possess or have access to. I found this wonderful document online, showing the evolution of music in Jamaica: