Back Where You Belong

It’s an overcast day in New York City. The clouds are teasing us with sprinkles here and there. It’s been raining a lot in New York, and I know that it has been raining a lot in other cities and towns, as well. This weekend, when taking my usual walk on my favorite street in my neighborhood, I noticed how green everything was—the trees, the leaves on the rose bushes, the grass, all from those continuous showers of rain for weeks on end.

Now, speaking of roses, they are my birth flowers, and the blossoming of the roses and their fragrances reminds me of my impending birthday in a couple of weeks. While on the elliptical machine this morning I was thinking about my birthday, and I was especially thinking about a friend that was really there for me on my birthday last year. The friend who opened her doors and offered to host a party for my 30^th birthday…as I thought about her I  hoped that she felt some kind of  happiness, good energy even, in that moment although she is miles away in DC.  This weekend of my birthday she will be here with her mother—it’s her mom’s high school reunion in The Bronx, hmmm the circle of life. Now, I am contemplating, how do I repay her for giving me so much during a time when I was emotionally drained and needed so bad for someone to reach out and pull me out of the darkness. This is not morbid, this is the truth and looking back I have seen how far I have come from a year ago. I realized a lot about myself, and people who were and are in my life—good things and not so good things. I think I am learning the true meaning of friendship, and hope that I am a good friend to people who are my life, as well. All in all, I hope that if there is a dark period in your life…or a couple of dark periods that you will have at least one person who will be that light for you and guide you back to where you belong.

Wait

On this constant journey of letting go, and accepting what is, I have decided to actively meditate before I go to bed each night. Last night I tried to meditate for 5 minutes. It went well. I will try this for a couple of weeks and then increase my time. My mind has been a lot calmer, even before I made this decision to exercise my mind with meditation. I have been taking walks outside, writing, dancing (and listening to drums), doing acupuncture, and praying. The more and more I am realizing that these are the things I am supposed to do. The materials things in my life, the things that I depend on, like my music and my computer, keep slipping away. My ipod’s battery died and needs to be fixed, and my computer…well, you know the drama. The universe as it seems is telling me that now is the appropriate time for healing. I feel I am on the verge of some great truth (First line of an Alexi Murdoch Song). I am inviting answers, and more importantly, I am learning to ask the right questions.

When Is it Enough?

In moments like these, when you come home to a crowded room, ransacked with things all over each other, after leaving a party from a person’s wonderful home; when you pass the existence of love in couples and parents to kids–when do you feel like you are worthy of the all that life has to offer? When are you okay with being in a process? Does your emotions continuously ebb and flow in between idealism and gloom? When is it enough?

At this moment, as I am typing, I am thinking about all this– balance, happiness, contentment. What do those words truly mean? I do not know exactly what propelled me into this train of thought, perhaps it reading my soul blogger’s entry today about the simple thing of falling asleep with her husband and the fact that her stretch marks represents the two beautiful children she has…and then I thought about my own stretch marks–minus the kids. Oh, how I am often reminded by someone with a disability that I have a lot to be thankful for, but still insecurities happen. I aim to acknowledge the greatness of one’s life with demeaning the greatness of my own.

Hafiz

I just read this and I had to share:

Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets looking for you. ~Hafiz

Things I Miss and Things I have Found

I miss writing in my blog every day, but I’ve noticed that I have written more than I have in months–hallelujah! I am planning a big trip to Turkey, and as I write this I am fighting the fear of not actually doing it. I am claiming it: I am going to Turkey! I read on my soul blogger’s blog that she compiled a list of 32 things she wants to do before she is 32. My 31st birthday is less than a month away, and so maybe I should do a list for 32. I will share it once I have it. Oh, two new things going on in my life right now: I  am reading Madame Bovary and David Sadaris’s Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and I am doing acupuncture. I will write more; I don’t want the comp. to go silent before I turn it off.

Drumming

I went drumming on Sunday, in a park, in the Bronx.  I felt free, totally free for at least 15 minutes, and I danced for more, to the drum beats. I got sick yesterday, and missed work, and some part of me wonders if this is a way for my body to just detox from all the negativity that was enmeshed in my body: the pain, the unspoken words. It could also be that I walked a lot that day, and also exercised. However, I will take a little bit of both meanings– that my body is cleaning out the negative and it is just plain tired.

The Tie That Binds

Funny: Yesterday I posted a blog entry on the challenges of living with my parents again, and presto– there was an article in today’s Times about this same topic!

Sometimes

Sometimes when the day is going fine, and you are excited just to make it through one more day, you are met with adversity in one of the least expected places—home. I live with my parents, and although I am so grateful that I have a roof over my head, and a family that cares and loves me, I would be a liar, no, not human if I did not say that sometimes they drive me up the wall. I am often reminded (and rightly so) that this is not my own space: From my own courtesy calls to let them know that I will be late I get the question of when I will be in. Now, that can fall under the category of “Things Parents Do To Show You That They Love You,” however there have been not knocking my room door before entering, and eating my organic, super-expensive food without even asking at times. So, why don’t I just get my own space, you ask? I can’t afford it! And that makes me even more frustrated when things like this happen. I have tons of loans from grad school, and with my monthly expenses (including paying my parents some money to help with the bills), I am often left in mental anguish until my annoyance settles.

The Case of the Missing Gym

You want to know what happened to my gym? Well, I wanted to know what was going on…and I found out!

Rehab

You take it one step at a time, literally, for whatever process it is–either coming from a broken heart, losing weight all over again, or all of the above. It is a process, and sometimes when you falter you pay attention to the relapses instead of the times, the moments, when you were on the wagon, you were eating right, exercising, and not reminiscing about the past, but staying in the moment. Life’s a process. I am a process.

I say all of this because I relapsed in the eating department tonight. Yesterday I had my weekly “cheat meal.” ( It was Indian) A cheat meal is where I eat one meal that isn’t “healthy,” but the rest of the week I make sure to healthy. However, I went to this Pakistani restaurant with some friends, tonight, and I cheated again. Thoughts raced through my head, and to be honest they still are racing through my head. I am thinking about my lack of will power, my need to really work out double time tomorrow, or have no more cheat meals for the next two weeks, until I weigh myself at the six-week mark when I should have lost at least 20lbs. So, I write to make sense of all of this, and come back to the question of who am I really doing this for, and what am I really trying to prove? So although I am conscious that this is mainly a health issue for me, honestly, it is also a spiritual thing for me.

This is also test of consciousness– a chance to connect the dots to the root of it all–why to do I get caught up in self-destructive habits at times? It is no surprise that as soon as I broke the promise to myself, and stuffed my face with chana masala and naan, I realized the downward emotional spiral that began, and then yearning to feed this emotion with something else came into my mind, too. Thoughts of love (or infatuation) not surprising, followed, as well… And as I write I am connecting.