Affirmation

I read an interesting article on the Daily Om the other day and there was a line in it which will become my mantra: “…affirm the formation of healthy relationships in your life.” How powerful. So, yes, I am affirming…not exactly one type of relationship but all kinds of relationships, including the one with myself.

Brother, I’m Dying

I am reading this exceptionally well-written memoir by Edwidge Danticat and I have been moved to tears on several occasions. Any immigrant child who has been left behind in their home country, while their parent(s) went to another country “for a better life,” can identify with this book. Anyone who has loved an aunt or  an uncle like a parent can identify with book. Once, I was so enthralled by a particular chapter in the book, while on the train, and was on the verge of crying when I caught myself in that specific emotion and wondered if anyone noticed. If I were on the train and noticed someone’s reaction like I had to the book, I would want to know more…I might even stop the person and ask.

I remember picking this book up in the bookstore, just to read a couple of lines, when it first graced the shelves , but never bought it. I truly believe that books or  stories find you when you need them or are ready to receive them–I am going home, to Jamaica, in November, after being away for 16 years. God Willing.

Loving Hafiz… in Shades of Grey

Not sure if you understand the love I feel for Hafiz’s work. I came across another collection of his work at Borders again two days ago,  and read poems that I connected with immediately. Hafiz, the man whose spirit wondered for Love without labels, who appreciated the grey of what life has to offer and did not stay stuck in the black and the white of identity. I feel connected to him because if I were as  gifted as he, my words would communicate the same meaning—this appreciation for variety. One of my favorite quotes of his delves into not needing the label of religious identity, “I have learned so much from God That I can no longer call myself a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Jew” he wrote… and yes, I get that. Although I am fasting for Ramadan and I identify with Islam in a tremendous way, I would be lying to myself if I did not say that I do not think that one religion supersedes another, or even the disbelief in one. If you believe in humanity, admire the wondrous splendor of this world and love with honesty and sincerity, that is God—there is not separation in my book, and from what I sense from Hafiz, he understood that.

Another Poem:

Would You Think It Odd?

             - Hafiz

Would you think it odd if Hafiz said,

“I am in love with every church
And mosque
And temple
And any kind of shrine

Because I know it is there
That the people say the different names
Of the One God”

Would you tell your friends
I was a bit strange if I admitted

I am indeed in love with every mind
And heart and body.

O I am sincerely
Plumb crazy
About your every thought and yearning
And limb

Because, my dear,
I know
That it is through these

That you search for him.

The Joy of Perusing

It’s 7:51pm, I am still at my job, and I need to unwind. My mind has been spinning for days now.  Yesterday was uncontrollable. Borders will be closing in 9 minutes. If it stayed open for a couple of hours more I would definitely peruse the shelves just to clear my head. It seems like I am barely staying afloat at times, here, at work.  Being the constant perfectionist I want everything to go right, and that I believe makes one mess up even more. When you allow for some type of flexibility and go along with the flow, the ride is often better…I try to remind myself of this. 

By the way: I crave new poetry like the Walcott poem I discovered– ones that light you up, ones you connect to it instantly. Yes, if Borders were open I would totally go and peruse.

When Growing Happens

I read East Love Pray last year when I was coming back to New York for what I thought was a summer visit. I was in a different place, emotionally then, and for some time now, almost a year after I read it, it continued to present itself in many ways: either in thought, or as I am talking to someone my eyes land on the book at their desk. So I decided to read it again. The thing is I liked the book, but I didn’t love the book, and there were definitely parts of it that rang true for me, and there were definitely lessons that I know I learned and can learn from it. After all, the  book is about woman who is trying to find herself after an emotional breakdown and she does this by doing the things I am doing now– eating good food, doing yoga, meditating and above all, learning to love herself completely. As I re-read the first section (when she was in Italy), I decided that because this is the second time around, it is more of a tutorial… and I should buy it in audio form.

This is my first book on audio book. I have owned lectures on disc, but never a book. I am totally against anything that might assist the extinction of  real books: audio books, Kindle (don’t get me started on that one), but with this book I think I can excuse myself. I bought a paper version of the book, and this is the exception. It is like I am attending a book reading, or something.

I have been listening to the books since I bought it yesterday, off and on. and because I read the first section, I skipped some discs. I am on the sixth disc, and I am planning on going back to disc five, especially the part where Richard from Texas shows, Gilbert ( the author) some tough love when she is incessantly brooding over her ex, David. I need that, I think, his wisdom.

There is something to be said about someone who allows people to see the vulnerable parts of them–the parts that we often try to hide. “That’s when growing happens.”(That’s a line from Rilke’s Poem 10) When you admit that those parts of you make you who you are– human.

Days Late But Still Reigns True

(I wrote this Saturday, June 13th but for some reason I couldn’t get a signal on my computer to post it, and I didn’t want to keep my computer on for too long.)

It rained again today and there was no Farmers’ Market to go to. I was hoping to go to the market to begin my garden adventure, but alas, that did not happen. Instead, I returned my library books and borrowed some books of poetry, two of which were Rilke’s. It seemed perfect on a day like this. I miss having my book of Rilke’s poetry next to my bed and reading them whenever the desire came to me. I have been thinking of bringing all my things to New York instead of all my things being locked up. Some of them can be with me in my tiny room, like my favorite poetry books and other things I often miss.

I am reading Renegade: The Making of President by Richard Wolffe and I almost finished so I borrowed Dante’s Divine Comedy along with the books I mentioned. When I read the first couple of lines it made sense that I should borrow it. I don’t know about you but when I open a book to figure if I want to read it or buy it, it is almost like a communication between me and the book; it is about a having a particular feeling and being drawn to the book. It has to click. What may not click one day, may click at another time. I guess it is one of my many quirks. I think I read the volumes of Divine Comedy a long time ago…so long ago that I don’t remember a lot about it, actually. So, hopefully, I will finish it and not get distracted (or attracted) by/to another book.

On Beauty…and Acceptance

I have been waking up at 5 in the morning to workout. I have said this before, but this time I am slowly getting there–I am seeing the transition not only in my body, but also in mind. Below are a couple of things that I’ve thought to myself  and wished that I had my laptop right there (to blog) on the train, on my way to the gym:

1. Closed my eyes for a couple of minutes on the train trying to compose myself and visualise my day, and when I opened my eyes one of the most beautiful sunrises greeted me. It took me by surprise.

2.  Sat across from a transgendered person, and as we sat across from each other I thought to myself, ” Woman you are one brave one! It takes a lot of  guts just to be you–to put on that lipstick and paint those nails, not matter how many people stare. I both celebrate you and envy that fierceness!”

3. While reading On Beauty by Zadie Smith, I became  nostalgic for a moment, missing my books and how I have another copy of the book locked up in storage in Maryland. I remembered how Howards Endwas stuck in that prison, too. Zadie Smith payed homage to E.M. Forster in writing On Beauty, and I so missed my own copies.

From the Soul

I started out this morning with some yoga ( my arms are getting stronger), some green tea and resounding oms from my core. This is the second day of my five day detox and I have done this before, but I am going to try and try until I connect fully to the true essence of myself.  Those terms, are, I know very general–what is ” the true essence of self?”  Not sure if it’s something that can be defined, really.  It is a feeling, and I guess putting it in words would just simplify the meaning.

On another note, I have decided that I totally adore Isabel Allende. I perused Borders yesterday, after work, and although I know her books, I can say that I really appreciated her, for the first time, yesterday. She is a talented writer, but more importantly, for me, she write from her soul. It really helped that for the first time, in a long time, that particular store had most of her books on the shelves.

The Bad Girl

I finished The Bad Girl  this morning, on the train–one stop before the stop I get off for work , and it was pretty good.  Just like other books I complete, I wanted to talk about this tormented love story immediately, as well as Llosa’s style of writing, but no face connected to my desire for dialogue–they were in the middle of their own stories.

No Substitutions

I have reader’s ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I have been buying books–great books, but nothing is holding my attention. This past weekend, I made a day trip to Philly and came across a hardcover version of The Bad Girl,the latest book by Mario Vargas Llosa–it was only seven bucks–I had to have it! The thing is, I don’t have the beleif that I will finish this book either. The last book to really hold my attention, throughout was Jane Eyre. There are books that I yearn for, ones that I own but are locked up in storage and when I come across them in bookstores, I am reminded that I actually own then and that it would be pointless for me to own two of the same books– especially when I need to be on a budget.

The Bad Girl is going along fine. It is a good book but I do not look forward to read in after work like I did with Jane Eyre. It might just be my state of mind right now and when I am; It has nothing to do with the books that I own. Maybe my reading relationship mirrors my personal relationship: waiting for The One that will make me look forward to a meeting, an opening, something reciprocal instead of settling for what is in front of me…or in my bag. Substitutions are just that, substitutions, but right now, they’re what I have.