Rehab

You take it one step at a time, literally, for whatever process it is–either coming from a broken heart, losing weight all over again, or all of the above. It is a process, and sometimes when you falter you pay attention to the relapses instead of the times, the moments, when you were on the wagon, you were eating right, exercising, and not reminiscing about the past, but staying in the moment. Life’s a process. I am a process.

I say all of this because I relapsed in the eating department tonight. Yesterday I had my weekly “cheat meal.” ( It was Indian) A cheat meal is where I eat one meal that isn’t “healthy,” but the rest of the week I make sure to healthy. However, I went to this Pakistani restaurant with some friends, tonight, and I cheated again. Thoughts raced through my head, and to be honest they still are racing through my head. I am thinking about my lack of will power, my need to really work out double time tomorrow, or have no more cheat meals for the next two weeks, until I weigh myself at the six-week mark when I should have lost at least 20lbs. So, I write to make sense of all of this, and come back to the question of who am I really doing this for, and what am I really trying to prove? So although I am conscious that this is mainly a health issue for me, honestly, it is also a spiritual thing for me.

This is also test of consciousness– a chance to connect the dots to the root of it all–why to do I get caught up in self-destructive habits at times? It is no surprise that as soon as I broke the promise to myself, and stuffed my face with chana masala and naan, I realized the downward emotional spiral that began, and then yearning to feed this emotion with something else came into my mind, too. Thoughts of love (or infatuation) not surprising, followed, as well… And as I write I am connecting.

Vida La Vida!

For this post I feel obligated to write something. I have only blogged two times for this month. There are times when I miss it, and then there are other times when I don’t.  However, I do know the importance of having a voice…even if no one hears it…or reads it.

What an exciting and frightening time we live in! The recession is real, but so are the possibilities. Politics is so exciting to me. I didn’t appreciate it that much in college the way I do now, even though it was one of my majors. I wish I could sit down with my favorite professor from undergrad, Dr. Emmert, and find out what he thinks of all this.  (That reminds me, he owes me an email.) 

 I am also excited about the weekend and about spending time with my nephew and my friend who just had a baby. We ( my friend and I) are going to get  mani/pedis! I am looking forward to grocery shopping. The Trader Joes at Union Square is a mad house! So, I want to get up early tomorrow and shop before the craziness begins.

Here’s to life!

By the way,  how cool is Coldplays’ new cd, Vida la Vida?!

“25 Random Things About Me”

The fact that I only have a computer at work is really limiting my blogging capabilities. I felt bad about not making a single post in February and it’s almost the 15th! So, I quickly copied this, a game that’s going around Facebook. Below is an explanation of the rules:

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. 

 

1.Sometimes I blast music and dance and dance by myself in the house

2.I make up my own dance routines

3.I am a hopeless romantic but yet also cynical about love

4.I often cry at movies…

5. I often act out scenes from a movie…sometimes as I am watching it ( my sister totally hates it)

6.I love churches, especially old churches

7.I hate shaving my legs but do because American society deems it unlady like if I don’t.

8.I wish I could speak all the main languages in the world just to get to know more people.

9.Sometimes, I put my headphones on and start strutting like I am on the runway. (Take that Naomi Campbell!)

10. If I had my way I would be an eternal student who travels around the world during breaks to volunteer and see the sites.

11.I often take more books from the library that I can read in 21 days. Recently I borrowed six books due by February 14th.

12.I love conversations…and I don’t even have to be a part of them but then if I am eavesdropping, I often have to fight the urge to join random strangers’ conversations.

13.I love to cook and experiment and have dreams of traveling the world and enter the kitchens of grandmas so that they can teach me old family recipes.

14.I think I am superstitious but I am afraid to admit it ‘cause I think it is totally passé.

15.Sometimes I see random strangers on the train and create our own love story (before either one of us gets off) like—he will look at me and our eyes will meet, or we will start a conversation on a book that one of us is reading… and then we live happily with 2.5 kids and a dog and do PeaceCorps when we’re retired together. Ahh ( I said I was an hopeless romantic)

16.I like crosses but don’t wear them because they will imply I believe in something I do not.

17.Sometimes I wish I was Jewish just to join Jdate. They have a great success rate. Okay most of the people I know who went on Jdate have fabulous relationships.

18.I like to just sit and take things all in– after dinner with a friend, at a museum, watching my nephew run back and forth in the living room…

19.I hate greed but I am often greedy.

20.Sometimes when I read or watch something amazing I want to share it right away with someone before the moment passes.

21.I do not have favorites when it comes to books and music.

22.I love the scent of cigars

23.I feel kids have a special connection to God and so I take what they say very, very seriously.

24.Although I am not very religious, I love very religious names like: Ibrahim, Zachariah, Isaiah, Zipporah, Malachi, Yacub, and Musa…

25.I often feel like I am a part of ongoing reality show and that sometimes changes my behavior when I am by myself.

Adieu

Hung out in Chinatown tonight. The atmosphere was a contrast to the usual hustle and bustle in the daytime. A new friend is returning to London after a stay here for four months. She and I would watch the matinées on Sundays at 42nd Street (where the price is $6–can’t beat that!). I will miss our dates and me rushing to be on time.

A group of her friends and coworkers/friends that we have in common celebrated with her in Chinatown eating some very good and very cheap Chinese food. I took a card from the proprietors before we left: I plan on going again.

As I walked the streets of Chinatown to meet the group for dinner, I couldn’t help to wonder what it was like two hundred years ago with rickshaws lining the streets instead of cars and I couldn’t help to wonder what will line the streets of Chinatown two hundred years from now.

How do I love Me? Let Me Count the Ways…

My nephew and I went on a trip to Manhattan today. We saw a movie, ate popcorn, visited the Christmas market, the farmers market and Barnes & Nobles, all in Union Square. He, of course, was wide eyed at everything: the rows of Christmas trees, bags of apples for one dollar, the crowd…I was having a good time exploring the city with him and wondered to myself (especially when I took him to the bathroom ) how single parents do this thing,without partners in their lives, everyday. They make it happen, that’s what we humans do best–adapt.

At Barnes & Nobles I bought him one of those activity flashcards where you match, sound the letters and name the object, and as we were about to exit the store, I saw the new O magazine were Oprah is standing next to her skinnier self asking what happened. I knew I had to buy it and so I returned to the line and bought the magazine.

On the train going home I read the article. Oprah stated that she was “embarrassed,” that she didn’t think she would be talking about weight after all this time. All this resonated with me, although I cannot say that I am embarrassed, I must admit that some of my actions say that I am: holding my breath and waiting for people to ask me about my weight being just one of them. However, as I write this, I realize that a part of me did not believe that I was worthy of being healthy when I was 50lbs lighter and that’s the part I am trying to heal.

One day I will believe, truly believe, that all the good happening in my life is deserved and that if something doesn’t go the way I want it to go, it doesn’t mean that I am being punished. There are times that I get it and then there are days when I don’t. Often it takes just a single incident to make that confidence crumble– a disagreement, an unrequited love, a bad day at work…

To be firmly rooted in love is what I strive for, not from any one person or material thing, but just to know that I am enough. Sounds like a cliche, but no one ever said a cliche wasn’t truth. I want that even on the worse of days, I still love myself enough to know that it is still good to take care of me–to be consistantly conscious. This need to stroke the ego, right away, is damaging to me–immediate gratification ain’t working.

In the article, they were discussing this lack of love and what it means to people with addiction (food,drugs, alcohol, etc). Being good to oneself doesn’t only mean doing so in good times, it means loving yourself especially in the tough times.

So, yes, I had an injury (while I was running), but I ate horrible things after that to feed the emotional and perhaps even the physical pain… Facing the different parts of yourself is important–including the not so nice parts. Honestly, how can you fix something that has not been examined?

In continuing the examination and the healing, I seek to be this woman: my greater self, with a sense of urgency.

I claim to have no answers in this whole, getting up, brushing yourself off and moving on thing we call life, all I know is that patience and love are essential.

New Cooking Blog

I am so excited! If it weren’t Ramadan I would go out, buy some of the recipes and cook one of the meals, immediately! I found this awesome blog/website that has great Indian food recipes. The site is called Hooked on Heat: Simple Everyday Modern Indian Cooking. I am talking about some tantalizing recipes. The person who keeps this blog seems to be a working mom. She is so organized and plans meals for the fam’ everyday. A woman after my own heart. I want to be her when I grow up. So, after I am finished with this blog, I’ma continue with my perusing of Hooked on Heat! I came across her site after simply googling the recipe below. Blessed be!

MANGO CHICKEN WITH RED PEPPERS
Prep time: 10 min | Cooking time: 20 min | Serves: 4

2 large boneless chicken breasts, cut into bite-sized pieces
2 large mangoes, diced into cubes
1 red bell pepper, sliced
1 medium-sized onion, sliced
1-2 red chillies, finely chopped
1 tsp ginger-garlic paste
1/4 cup chicken stock/water
1/4 tsp turmeric powder
1/2 tsp red chili powder
1/2 tsp cumin powder
1/2 tsp coriander powder
2 tbsp light cooking oil
salt, to taste
fresh coriander leaves, chopped for garnish

HEAT oil in a large non-stick wok and saute chopped chillies, ginger-garlic paste and onions till lightly browned.

ADD in chicken pieces, peppers and spices, and stir-fry till chicken is cooked through. Stir in chicken stock and mango, and allow to simmer for a few minutes.

SEASON with salt, and garnish with fresh coriander leaves.

Fasting, Obama and Me

Ah, yeah–one down, and 30 more to go. Today marks my first day of fasting and it went relatively good. The thing is yesterday I went for a walk and I walked a lot further that I usually do. I also ran about 3 blocks  during that time. To the readers who are mister or missus exercise buffs– yeah, I know, that type of running wasn’t much, but to me that was a lot more than my body allowed me to do for a long time. I am recovering from a pulled muscle from last November that usually takes a year to heal.  Back then, I was running 3-4 times a week and continued to do so even when I hurt myself– which was mighty stupid. So, them three blocks was an accomplished. Of course, I came back home with little muscle fatigue. Additionally, I only slept three hours last night So, today was, let me say, interesting. I was fine but I was fasting and registering people to vote at the West Indian Day Parade here in Brooklyn–walking up and down and constantly talking to people. By the end of the day I was so tired.

I truly believe that if I rested, the day would have been better. The interesting thing is I feel more spiritually connected than I have felt in a long time. It was really interesting to see how different I felt emotionally/spiritually compared to how I felt physically. However, this is the first day. I pray that it would be made easy for me. Ameen.

Today Was a Good Day

Today was a good day, and no, I am not singing the Ice Cube classic. It was really a good day, alhamdillah (thank God). I woke up and had a great yoga session. I cooked for my family; I am doing a lot of that, staying here for the summer. They are trying new things with my Indian spices. My mom loved, the roasted eggplants marinated with olive oil, sea salt and black pepper, that I made yesterday…

Ok, so I went on a tangent, but I love cooking! Anyways, the rest of the evening I spent time with my friends from high school. I came home and I felt completely fulfilled. This, the last day of my detox (which was practically being vegan for two weeks with organic and natural ingredients), I am content. I hope to continue this… not being completely vegan but other things especially the yoga,meditations and eating right.

It’s funny, while meditating, something that I do after my yoga sessions, I realized that I just need to let go… but it is so hard! I was sitting there and a quiet voice (it was so still and soft, I almost didn’t hear it) said, “You need to let go, but you just keep holding on.” In the moment I started to cry, because I realized why I hold on to what was—because it is comfortable. I haven’t let go completely, but I think I am closer to doing so and one day, Inshallah (God willing), I will let go—completely. I mediated on, “Let go and let God” and Inshallah, it will be. Namaste.

The Marvels of Jamaican Jerk

Today, while skimming the online version of The Times, I got a sweet surprise: an in depth article regarding the Jamaican style of cooking that is similar (but not the same) to American barbecue — Jamaican Jerk. Personally, I think that Jamaican Jerk is far better that any American BBQ, due to the way in which the food is prepared. I am talking about good Jamaican Jerk, done the right way, with the pimento wood and pimento leaves (both burned to smoke the meat throughly, during the cooking process) , and the correct seasoning—pound for pound some good s***,lols

I remember growing up in Jamaica, the jerk huts would be in various places: the country side, (visiting my extended family), near the markets, and close to the bus station. On Fridays especially, all the huts would open and the jerk fragrances would permeate the air.

I really appreciated the article today. Once my parents came home I immediately told them about the article, and the pride came across their faces: their sweet culture, once again, appreciated by the masses.

Hmm, Hmm Good

So, I am having a birthday dinner celebration on Sunday and I am putting the menu together. I have made Chana Masala in the past and my friends have loved it. I’m planning on making it again, along with some stew chicken and basmati rice ( still haven’t figured out if it will be brown or white basmati rice, but I digress) as the main course. While browsing recipes on Youtube, I came across this guy and I gotta say he is becoming my favorite; he should have his own show on the Food Network: