Mind Exercise

It is a humid day in New York City today and I feel like my theme song this morning was K.D. Lang’s “Anywhere But Here.” I dragged myself out of bed, ironed my clothes, ate breakfast, got dressed all the while contemplating the beauty of not having the obligation of working or being on vacation. The thing about those thoughts is that for one to really cherish vacations or being off from work, one has to work and dread going there on days when you don’t want to….days like this. So, now I am at my desk, in my cubicle, and instead of typing up notes from a meeting I  facilitated, I am typing this blog entry on Word hoping to post this blog in a few minutes. This weekend went by so fast. I did nothing. I decided not to go to Salsa class on Saturday due to some strange pain in my arm/shoulder—this happened every time I would lift my arm. The pain is almost gone now. I ate not so nice things this past weekend. Actually it began right after my detox ended. I also began the melancholic mind exercise of asking myself, “when ever will I conquer this weight battle?” That wasn’t too good for my self-esteem. So, it is Monday—another four more days until the weekend again. I am here trying to draw myself into the present, to realize that the present is a gift and that being in the moment in the best mind exercise one can have.

Taking It In

Early this morning my heat induced asthma was bothering me. It was so hot in my room, and I was restless. Tonight, it is chilly. What a crazy weather we’re having on the Northern-East Coast. The weather has been crazy for everyone, actually.

It’s July 4th, America’s Independence Day. My block, filled with a diverse group of people–mostly immigrants, is celebrating in varied ways. My Hatian neighbors and their Italian tenant barbecued in their backyard. My mother did the traditional late-night barbecue she does every year although she and my dad talked about doing it earlier next year…that discussion, too, happens every year. My nieghbor across the street is blasting loud calypso music.  I wonder how our new Asian nieghbors, who live next to that family, are taking all that music, and how they celebrated their Independence Day. So, here I am taking all the celebration in, from watching the celebration at the US Capitol on PBS, and wishing I was there, to being here, in Brooklyn, and appreciating all the good vibes around me.

Days Late But Still Reigns True

(I wrote this Saturday, June 13th but for some reason I couldn’t get a signal on my computer to post it, and I didn’t want to keep my computer on for too long.)

It rained again today and there was no Farmers’ Market to go to. I was hoping to go to the market to begin my garden adventure, but alas, that did not happen. Instead, I returned my library books and borrowed some books of poetry, two of which were Rilke’s. It seemed perfect on a day like this. I miss having my book of Rilke’s poetry next to my bed and reading them whenever the desire came to me. I have been thinking of bringing all my things to New York instead of all my things being locked up. Some of them can be with me in my tiny room, like my favorite poetry books and other things I often miss.

I am reading Renegade: The Making of President by Richard Wolffe and I almost finished so I borrowed Dante’s Divine Comedy along with the books I mentioned. When I read the first couple of lines it made sense that I should borrow it. I don’t know about you but when I open a book to figure if I want to read it or buy it, it is almost like a communication between me and the book; it is about a having a particular feeling and being drawn to the book. It has to click. What may not click one day, may click at another time. I guess it is one of my many quirks. I think I read the volumes of Divine Comedy a long time ago…so long ago that I don’t remember a lot about it, actually. So, hopefully, I will finish it and not get distracted (or attracted) by/to another book.

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As I wait for my new ipod to upload the almost 2500 songs (Apple gave me a new ipod ’cause the old, the one I just bought in January, had some hardware issues–happy birthday!) I have on my computer, I am hoping that the computer holds out until this process is finished. I will be meeting up with my friends tomorrow to celebrate and be goofy in Korea Town, in Manhattan. Nothing better than Karaoke in celebration of your birthday! I hope it will be fun. It will be fun.

By the way: How about that Obama speech?!!

Back Where You Belong

It’s an overcast day in New York City. The clouds are teasing us with sprinkles here and there. It’s been raining a lot in New York, and I know that it has been raining a lot in other cities and towns, as well. This weekend, when taking my usual walk on my favorite street in my neighborhood, I noticed how green everything was—the trees, the leaves on the rose bushes, the grass, all from those continuous showers of rain for weeks on end.

Now, speaking of roses, they are my birth flowers, and the blossoming of the roses and their fragrances reminds me of my impending birthday in a couple of weeks. While on the elliptical machine this morning I was thinking about my birthday, and I was especially thinking about a friend that was really there for me on my birthday last year. The friend who opened her doors and offered to host a party for my 30^th birthday…as I thought about her I  hoped that she felt some kind of  happiness, good energy even, in that moment although she is miles away in DC.  This weekend of my birthday she will be here with her mother—it’s her mom’s high school reunion in The Bronx, hmmm the circle of life. Now, I am contemplating, how do I repay her for giving me so much during a time when I was emotionally drained and needed so bad for someone to reach out and pull me out of the darkness. This is not morbid, this is the truth and looking back I have seen how far I have come from a year ago. I realized a lot about myself, and people who were and are in my life—good things and not so good things. I think I am learning the true meaning of friendship, and hope that I am a good friend to people who are my life, as well. All in all, I hope that if there is a dark period in your life…or a couple of dark periods that you will have at least one person who will be that light for you and guide you back to where you belong.

Drumming

I went drumming on Sunday, in a park, in the Bronx.  I felt free, totally free for at least 15 minutes, and I danced for more, to the drum beats. I got sick yesterday, and missed work, and some part of me wonders if this is a way for my body to just detox from all the negativity that was enmeshed in my body: the pain, the unspoken words. It could also be that I walked a lot that day, and also exercised. However, I will take a little bit of both meanings– that my body is cleaning out the negative and it is just plain tired.

The Case of the Missing Gym

You want to know what happened to my gym? Well, I wanted to know what was going on…and I found out!

From the Soul

I started out this morning with some yoga ( my arms are getting stronger), some green tea and resounding oms from my core. This is the second day of my five day detox and I have done this before, but I am going to try and try until I connect fully to the true essence of myself.  Those terms, are, I know very general–what is ” the true essence of self?”  Not sure if it’s something that can be defined, really.  It is a feeling, and I guess putting it in words would just simplify the meaning.

On another note, I have decided that I totally adore Isabel Allende. I perused Borders yesterday, after work, and although I know her books, I can say that I really appreciated her, for the first time, yesterday. She is a talented writer, but more importantly, for me, she write from her soul. It really helped that for the first time, in a long time, that particular store had most of her books on the shelves.

The Bad Girl

I finished The Bad Girl  this morning, on the train–one stop before the stop I get off for work , and it was pretty good.  Just like other books I complete, I wanted to talk about this tormented love story immediately, as well as Llosa’s style of writing, but no face connected to my desire for dialogue–they were in the middle of their own stories.

Do Over

Starting over again be a scary thing to do. I think that’s why most of us, humans, try to stay in that comfortable place as long as we can. I am starting over in so many ways–so much so that I stay up in my mind, thinking, a lot ( more than what’s warranted at times).  I have gained most of my weight back. I am in limbo in some ways but I still feel as if my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I am a myriad of complexities and often I am the creator of the confusion.

I say all of this to say, physically, I am at a place of starting over, mentally and spiritually I am at that place as well…to certain degree. I am concerned about hypertension and diabetes. My knees are hindrances and every time I try to start over again when it comes to working out, I injure myself. Starting over is crazy and there is a part of me that wishes that  I can just stay here with ice cream and jiggly belly and just be. And then there is a huge part of me that wants to be the best person that I can be and I hope that that side of me will grow and outshine the part of me that is complacent.

God, the Universe, is giving me a slap on my hand at the moment ( they say that the universe  speaks to you in different levels, first a whisper, then a shout, then a slap on the hand and then a shove to make you listen),  my blood is high and it has been that way for close to a month. Often I can literally feel the enormity of my weight. With all that being said, I am in no rush to do everything at once. This evening, after work, I plan on going to Trader Joes and then my local grocery store to get the stuff that I want to make lunch and dinner. I am taking a yoga beginners’ course, although I hate the fact that my daily attempts of  shoulder stances that my teachers makes us do, is making me more self conscious of my weight–especially when I am the biggest person in the room with all skinny people in the room.

This was not my attempt to vent throughout this blog, but it is turning out to be that way I guess. So, I proved my initial point, starting over is hard but what is the alternative?