When the rainbow isn’t enough

This past weekend I watched Brick City, a five-part documentary series about the work that Mayor Cory Booker,other communities groups and individuals are doing to make the city of Newark a thriving city. In one scene ( it was a rather quick scene) there is the little boy, couldn’t be more that 11, who was getting ” beat in” by members of a gang. This, made me scream out in horror. He was a baby being hit by  approximately 10 older boys/men. All trying to welcome him into the “family.” I still have flashbacks of what I saw.  This is not coming from a place of judgment, about whether a gang is right or wrong ( truth be told, there are a lot of gangs out there some are just more socially accepted more that others) but it is the idea of wanting to belong so badly that one would allow a group of people to beat them in. Where is that little boy right now? Has become hardened already? Is he still alive? What crimes have he committed? Does he feel remorse?

There was so much to celebrate from that documentary, the city is making great strides, butthat section still lingers. There was another scence where a principal of the main high school stated to the kids after a shoot out happened in front of their school, “This is not normal.” I think the reason why I cried was the fact that there are a lot of kids, babies, who think that it is.

Blueprint

There is so much to do at work, at the moment, and juggling various balls in the air seems to be a real circus act. In my personal life I feel– not frustrated–but not impressed by the way I have moved my own personal goals to the back burner. We are often told that we should put ourselves first, but there is never a blueprint to follow. Each decision comes with its own consequence and just when you have time to take a break, it is time for bed. I do not think I want to live me life between circus acts and slumber. I want to live a full life, but where is the blueprint for that,too?

Acknowledgement Pt. II

Wow, it has been over two years that I have been writing and posting on this blog. And even during that time I have grown so much: The ups and downs, the books and new and old relationships, new lessons and observations–constant interactions with words and imagery from different mediums all have contributed to where I am now. Today is not the actual anniversary ( it is often an oversight on the actual days), better yet, it is an acknowledgment of where I was then and where I am now, and hopefully, the possibilities of the future…

Listening to Adele’s 19 at the moment. Her voices seems to put me in a nostalgic mood.

Brother, I’m Dying

I am reading this exceptionally well-written memoir by Edwidge Danticat and I have been moved to tears on several occasions. Any immigrant child who has been left behind in their home country, while their parent(s) went to another country “for a better life,” can identify with this book. Anyone who has loved an aunt or  an uncle like a parent can identify with book. Once, I was so enthralled by a particular chapter in the book, while on the train, and was on the verge of crying when I caught myself in that specific emotion and wondered if anyone noticed. If I were on the train and noticed someone’s reaction like I had to the book, I would want to know more…I might even stop the person and ask.

I remember picking this book up in the bookstore, just to read a couple of lines, when it first graced the shelves , but never bought it. I truly believe that books or  stories find you when you need them or are ready to receive them–I am going home, to Jamaica, in November, after being away for 16 years. God Willing.

Taking It In

Early this morning my heat induced asthma was bothering me. It was so hot in my room, and I was restless. Tonight, it is chilly. What a crazy weather we’re having on the Northern-East Coast. The weather has been crazy for everyone, actually.

It’s July 4th, America’s Independence Day. My block, filled with a diverse group of people–mostly immigrants, is celebrating in varied ways. My Hatian neighbors and their Italian tenant barbecued in their backyard. My mother did the traditional late-night barbecue she does every year although she and my dad talked about doing it earlier next year…that discussion, too, happens every year. My nieghbor across the street is blasting loud calypso music.  I wonder how our new Asian nieghbors, who live next to that family, are taking all that music, and how they celebrated their Independence Day. So, here I am taking all the celebration in, from watching the celebration at the US Capitol on PBS, and wishing I was there, to being here, in Brooklyn, and appreciating all the good vibes around me.

The Joy of Perusing

It’s 7:51pm, I am still at my job, and I need to unwind. My mind has been spinning for days now.  Yesterday was uncontrollable. Borders will be closing in 9 minutes. If it stayed open for a couple of hours more I would definitely peruse the shelves just to clear my head. It seems like I am barely staying afloat at times, here, at work.  Being the constant perfectionist I want everything to go right, and that I believe makes one mess up even more. When you allow for some type of flexibility and go along with the flow, the ride is often better…I try to remind myself of this. 

By the way: I crave new poetry like the Walcott poem I discovered– ones that light you up, ones you connect to it instantly. Yes, if Borders were open I would totally go and peruse.

When Growing Happens

I read East Love Pray last year when I was coming back to New York for what I thought was a summer visit. I was in a different place, emotionally then, and for some time now, almost a year after I read it, it continued to present itself in many ways: either in thought, or as I am talking to someone my eyes land on the book at their desk. So I decided to read it again. The thing is I liked the book, but I didn’t love the book, and there were definitely parts of it that rang true for me, and there were definitely lessons that I know I learned and can learn from it. After all, the  book is about woman who is trying to find herself after an emotional breakdown and she does this by doing the things I am doing now– eating good food, doing yoga, meditating and above all, learning to love herself completely. As I re-read the first section (when she was in Italy), I decided that because this is the second time around, it is more of a tutorial… and I should buy it in audio form.

This is my first book on audio book. I have owned lectures on disc, but never a book. I am totally against anything that might assist the extinction of  real books: audio books, Kindle (don’t get me started on that one), but with this book I think I can excuse myself. I bought a paper version of the book, and this is the exception. It is like I am attending a book reading, or something.

I have been listening to the books since I bought it yesterday, off and on. and because I read the first section, I skipped some discs. I am on the sixth disc, and I am planning on going back to disc five, especially the part where Richard from Texas shows, Gilbert ( the author) some tough love when she is incessantly brooding over her ex, David. I need that, I think, his wisdom.

There is something to be said about someone who allows people to see the vulnerable parts of them–the parts that we often try to hide. “That’s when growing happens.”(That’s a line from Rilke’s Poem 10) When you admit that those parts of you make you who you are– human.

!

As I wait for my new ipod to upload the almost 2500 songs (Apple gave me a new ipod ’cause the old, the one I just bought in January, had some hardware issues–happy birthday!) I have on my computer, I am hoping that the computer holds out until this process is finished. I will be meeting up with my friends tomorrow to celebrate and be goofy in Korea Town, in Manhattan. Nothing better than Karaoke in celebration of your birthday! I hope it will be fun. It will be fun.

By the way: How about that Obama speech?!!

Back Where You Belong

It’s an overcast day in New York City. The clouds are teasing us with sprinkles here and there. It’s been raining a lot in New York, and I know that it has been raining a lot in other cities and towns, as well. This weekend, when taking my usual walk on my favorite street in my neighborhood, I noticed how green everything was—the trees, the leaves on the rose bushes, the grass, all from those continuous showers of rain for weeks on end.

Now, speaking of roses, they are my birth flowers, and the blossoming of the roses and their fragrances reminds me of my impending birthday in a couple of weeks. While on the elliptical machine this morning I was thinking about my birthday, and I was especially thinking about a friend that was really there for me on my birthday last year. The friend who opened her doors and offered to host a party for my 30^th birthday…as I thought about her I  hoped that she felt some kind of  happiness, good energy even, in that moment although she is miles away in DC.  This weekend of my birthday she will be here with her mother—it’s her mom’s high school reunion in The Bronx, hmmm the circle of life. Now, I am contemplating, how do I repay her for giving me so much during a time when I was emotionally drained and needed so bad for someone to reach out and pull me out of the darkness. This is not morbid, this is the truth and looking back I have seen how far I have come from a year ago. I realized a lot about myself, and people who were and are in my life—good things and not so good things. I think I am learning the true meaning of friendship, and hope that I am a good friend to people who are my life, as well. All in all, I hope that if there is a dark period in your life…or a couple of dark periods that you will have at least one person who will be that light for you and guide you back to where you belong.

When Is it Enough?

In moments like these, when you come home to a crowded room, ransacked with things all over each other, after leaving a party from a person’s wonderful home; when you pass the existence of love in couples and parents to kids–when do you feel like you are worthy of the all that life has to offer? When are you okay with being in a process? Does your emotions continuously ebb and flow in between idealism and gloom? When is it enough?

At this moment, as I am typing, I am thinking about all this– balance, happiness, contentment. What do those words truly mean? I do not know exactly what propelled me into this train of thought, perhaps it reading my soul blogger’s entry today about the simple thing of falling asleep with her husband and the fact that her stretch marks represents the two beautiful children she has…and then I thought about my own stretch marks–minus the kids. Oh, how I am often reminded by someone with a disability that I have a lot to be thankful for, but still insecurities happen. I aim to acknowledge the greatness of one’s life with demeaning the greatness of my own.