Acknowledgement Pt. II

Wow, it has been over two years that I have been writing and posting on this blog. And even during that time I have grown so much: The ups and downs, the books and new and old relationships, new lessons and observations–constant interactions with words and imagery from different mediums all have contributed to where I am now. Today is not the actual anniversary ( it is often an oversight on the actual days), better yet, it is an acknowledgment of where I was then and where I am now, and hopefully, the possibilities of the future…

Listening to Adele’s 19 at the moment. Her voices seems to put me in a nostalgic mood.

How Long Do I Want to Be Loved?

I have been attempting to hold on to the serenity that Ramadan provided me…maybe I should say, the serenity that I allowed myself to regain during Ramadan. Now, things are picking up at work and I am barely going to my retreat during lunch breaks–eating and socializing have taken back their reign. I have only gone twice this week to my sanctuary. Yet, I am thankful, and I am finding other ways and times to reconnect with myself and with the Divine: From deep breaths, and morning prayers, to writing in my journal and reminding myself that I am worth all the goodness in life, to now volunteering at a local food pantry just to get out of my own sense of victim hood that I get caught up in some times…I am feeling more grounded and rooted. This feeling, I know, will not be continuous, life makes certain of it, but I am slowly rebuilding  my foundation (I think), and I pray that on bad days I can dig deep in and not stay down too long wallowing in self pity.

As I write this, I am listening to Dixie Chicks’ Lullaby and a line from the song asks, “How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough?” I am asking myself that questions;  I am feeding myself  those lines, loving me. I want the love that is expressed in that song to be the way in which I love myself– soft, understanding, unconditional love. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.

Just For Today

Being in the present… The more I pray, the more it grounds me. It allows me to take a moment and reflect and check in with me. I have been listening to a lot of India Arie lately. I do not know if I talked about this in past blog entries, but for Ramadan, when I am at work, I have made it a point to take out at least a half of an hour of my day to sit in the old cemetery/new garden in a church nearby, write in my journal and meditate or just sit and admire the world around me–the birds, the leaves falling… this nourishes me. Currently, I have this India Arie song, below, on repeat. There is indeed freedom in embracing the present moment.

I Wanna Dance…with somebody

I discovered Raul Paz and his wonderful fusion of sensuality. With music like this, one cannot just sit and do nothing–hips are propelled into movement with his music playing:

 

Feeling Good

Since my return from Istanbul it has been interesting to watch my evolution. The first week it was surreal being back home, in Brooklyn, and having the desire to be some place else. I detoxed all of last week, essentially being vegan for a whole week and meditated and did yogic stretches throughout the week, just to ground myself again. I had a great time in Turkey and there was a subtle shift that occurred. Trying to live in the present moment, I am not sure how long this feeling or this shift will last, all I know is I came back with a sense of urgency of wanting to be good, to be truly good to me, my body, my mind and my spirit. I truly want to own Happiness now in a very non-egotistical way, I believe. I wrote in a journal everyday and I have yet to read through what I wrote, but it was interesting the way in which Turkey…Istanbul felt very familiar to me. I have always felt connected to something bigger than my own self, but my experience in Turkey made me live it in another way. This trip was the first time in my adult life where I traveled internationally…and that is a very different experience than that of being a child and traveling. I toured historic sites, hung out a local hang outs in Taksim ( the neighborhood where I stayed) and danced the night away at an awesome place called Cuba Bar.

It is so interesting the inspiration you get from places you travel. Who would have thought that I would revive my love for Afro-Spanish/Latino culture from a trip to Istanbul. Since I have been back I have mainly been listening to Afr0-Cuban/Peruvian/Brazilian music and I have become an active member of my NY Salsa Meetup ( I have been a “member” only in spirit for over a year now). So, I am in a good place…and  I fight the urge, every time it comes up, to wonder when will the bad times or feeling return. I am happy, truly, for the first time in a long time–I am feeling good. It feel a lot more organic. I working on knowing in every fiber of my being  that  I am worth this happiness.

Welcome Back, Love

I fell in love with him after I received a collection of his songs, Urban Hang Suite, at my high school graduation party, and I never fell out of love with him. I discovered others while he was on hiatus, but none could do it like he did, and so I would often replay his words over and over again waiting for new ones to consume me…AND now he is back! Maxwell, you didn’t loose a beat, love. I dig this song so much.

The Cliche of RIP

Micheal Jackson died yesterday, and it still seems unreal to me. There are good things and bad things that people can say about his life,but still, in the end, it is still a life. Someone died, and honestly he made a big impact on my life, and in his own way opened up my appreciation for music to another level. The thing about this whole situation is that I have yet to do the cliche thing of posting his videos on my Facebook page or placing a “RIP Mike” on my status. It just seems odd. I told a coworker of mine today that Michael Jackson was like that  grand uncle or great-grand aunt that you had in your family who you didn’t see all the time, and often took for granted, but felt that they will always be around ,and then when they die you feel ultra bad for taking them for granted. That’s how I feel. Well, dare I say it: RIP Mike.

Drumming

I went drumming on Sunday, in a park, in the Bronx.  I felt free, totally free for at least 15 minutes, and I danced for more, to the drum beats. I got sick yesterday, and missed work, and some part of me wonders if this is a way for my body to just detox from all the negativity that was enmeshed in my body: the pain, the unspoken words. It could also be that I walked a lot that day, and also exercised. However, I will take a little bit of both meanings– that my body is cleaning out the negative and it is just plain tired.

Vida La Vida!

For this post I feel obligated to write something. I have only blogged two times for this month. There are times when I miss it, and then there are other times when I don’t.  However, I do know the importance of having a voice…even if no one hears it…or reads it.

What an exciting and frightening time we live in! The recession is real, but so are the possibilities. Politics is so exciting to me. I didn’t appreciate it that much in college the way I do now, even though it was one of my majors. I wish I could sit down with my favorite professor from undergrad, Dr. Emmert, and find out what he thinks of all this.  (That reminds me, he owes me an email.) 

 I am also excited about the weekend and about spending time with my nephew and my friend who just had a baby. We ( my friend and I) are going to get  mani/pedis! I am looking forward to grocery shopping. The Trader Joes at Union Square is a mad house! So, I want to get up early tomorrow and shop before the craziness begins.

Here’s to life!

By the way,  how cool is Coldplays’ new cd, Vida la Vida?!

“25 Random Things About Me”

The fact that I only have a computer at work is really limiting my blogging capabilities. I felt bad about not making a single post in February and it’s almost the 15th! So, I quickly copied this, a game that’s going around Facebook. Below is an explanation of the rules:

Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you. 

 

1.Sometimes I blast music and dance and dance by myself in the house

2.I make up my own dance routines

3.I am a hopeless romantic but yet also cynical about love

4.I often cry at movies…

5. I often act out scenes from a movie…sometimes as I am watching it ( my sister totally hates it)

6.I love churches, especially old churches

7.I hate shaving my legs but do because American society deems it unlady like if I don’t.

8.I wish I could speak all the main languages in the world just to get to know more people.

9.Sometimes, I put my headphones on and start strutting like I am on the runway. (Take that Naomi Campbell!)

10. If I had my way I would be an eternal student who travels around the world during breaks to volunteer and see the sites.

11.I often take more books from the library that I can read in 21 days. Recently I borrowed six books due by February 14th.

12.I love conversations…and I don’t even have to be a part of them but then if I am eavesdropping, I often have to fight the urge to join random strangers’ conversations.

13.I love to cook and experiment and have dreams of traveling the world and enter the kitchens of grandmas so that they can teach me old family recipes.

14.I think I am superstitious but I am afraid to admit it ‘cause I think it is totally passé.

15.Sometimes I see random strangers on the train and create our own love story (before either one of us gets off) like—he will look at me and our eyes will meet, or we will start a conversation on a book that one of us is reading… and then we live happily with 2.5 kids and a dog and do PeaceCorps when we’re retired together. Ahh ( I said I was an hopeless romantic)

16.I like crosses but don’t wear them because they will imply I believe in something I do not.

17.Sometimes I wish I was Jewish just to join Jdate. They have a great success rate. Okay most of the people I know who went on Jdate have fabulous relationships.

18.I like to just sit and take things all in– after dinner with a friend, at a museum, watching my nephew run back and forth in the living room…

19.I hate greed but I am often greedy.

20.Sometimes when I read or watch something amazing I want to share it right away with someone before the moment passes.

21.I do not have favorites when it comes to books and music.

22.I love the scent of cigars

23.I feel kids have a special connection to God and so I take what they say very, very seriously.

24.Although I am not very religious, I love very religious names like: Ibrahim, Zachariah, Isaiah, Zipporah, Malachi, Yacub, and Musa…

25.I often feel like I am a part of ongoing reality show and that sometimes changes my behavior when I am by myself.