Recognition

I am home babysitting my nephew who is home sick. I send my love and all positive energy to all parents and guardians who are humbled everyday by the uncertainty of parenting.

Right now my nephew and I are sharing a couch. He is watching cartoons and I am listening to my new musical obsession, Kings of Leon and perusing the interest.

My nephew is feeling a lot better than he was this morning and I  recognize that although it is not under the best of circumstances, I still am grateful spending time with him.

Void

As I sat down at Whole Foods Union Square, I immediately felt this immense guilt. I have been spending money like crazy, although I should be moving more to the land of the frugal. I needed a pair of shoes and so I bought it. Of all the things that I bought today that was the only thing I needed. The other things that I bought came from me wanting to be liked (the almost $60 worth of products at Aveda although I went in just to buy one product for $25; the book from an independent bookstore because I was the only one in the store and I meandered for some time while chatting it up with the owner — I didn’t want to waste his time). Then there was the money that I spent when I went into Duane Reade to buy a band aid because my new shoes was rubbing against the back of my foot…so, the planned $1.99 turned into the unplanned $10.72 expense. What the F is wrong with me?!

A Poem:
I am seeking something to fill a void I do not understand
In pastas ladened with alfredo sauce and gossiped filled words in tabloid magazines
In books in the corner of empty bookstores
And crowded restaurants.

Not one extreme action conquers this pain
Not a shaven head
Nor a mind stilled by meditation

The ache of missing you
Is mired in laughter and sarcastic rebuttals
For I am afraid to admit the loneliness of not knowing where you are
Not being able to share moments of silence and robust joy.

I long for the day to meet you again
You, the distant stranger
To greet you at my door
To look at you in the mirror and say welcome home.

Untitled

Slow down
Do not haste
For I need parts of you to be still
So that I can figure things out

I do not need to be reminded by calendars
And unfinished tasks
Of how much of you I have wasted

With you buzzing by
With my mind often joining you in motion
I become dizzy and confused

Wait, stay here with me
Show me what you have taught others
Who did not take heed to your power
I wish not to be like them

How were my ancestors?
Did they regard you as friend or foe?
Did they eventually make sense of it all
And used you to advance themselves?

Sometimes they speak to me
In dreams
They always seem to be in a space where there is no mention of you
Dancing endlessly as if there is no task, no calendar to remind them of your fleeting presence.

Time, here all that means nothing
You are present yet constantly moving
And I find that I yearn to find some balance with the whirling stillness of you
Not winning nor losing to your power but being — taking no part of you for granted.

Copyright © RNLH 2010

When the Hurting Time Begins

Oh, it’s that old Melancholy feeling again
When sadness returns –an old unwelcomed friend
A tireless adversary

Straddled by emotions that sway internally like a pendulum
No hand or caress to hold it still

Succumb you must to tears and sighs
Just you to face the pain inside
When the hurting time begins
When the hurting time…begins

Time in Power

There’s a moment when realization comes
That where you are is where you should be
And gratitude surrounds you

In this stillness I have come to that realization
Embracing me
Accepting me

I have found compassion within
Within
Within…

Acknowledging all
For beauty reigns true
And true love — Self Love, is supreme
Copyright © 2010 RNLH

Muse

Be my muse

Let me become inspired by you

Write words of love, pain and make ups because of you

Be my muse

Let me stalk you with my words

Let me indulge in a romance

Be it ill fated or gorgeous

Be my muse

Let me think of you in the middle of the day

And write poems fattened with lust and yearning

Amuse me…

Become my muse

Words of love would engulf us

We would lie down next to each other

And I would paint words on your body with my tongue

Amuse me

Use me if you need to

I would write soliloquies of a broken heart

And love unrequited

Of passion gone awry

I would listen to sad love songs and become all the more inspired

A-muse me.

Copyright © 2010 RNLH

Simple

I want to lead a simple life:
Of morning runs, and yoga in the sunshine
Simple in laughter, smiles and hugs
Of comfy pjs and home cooked meals
Discovering new places and people
And dancing in the rain

Simple in clutter free rooms
And mellow Sunday mornings

I want to lead a simple life
Of giving back and being open to receive
Of placing my hands in the earth and nurturing it

Just simple, no need for wealth or countless lovers
Just one who will love me honestly and completely

Simple.
Copyright © 2008 RNLH

Contemplation

Contemplation

As I sit upon the porch and watch the bushes wrestle with the wind
I ponder the prospects of my future

In looking up at the stars in the darkest of night skies
I hope and pray for something grander

Into the night I beckon an answer
One that is clear and true
In a moment I will really know
What I am suppose to do

But what if it never comes
Will I be sitting here forever?
As time passes me by
Missing all of life’s splendor
Copyright © 2008 RNLH

Revelation

Revelation

How do I harden my heart,
And remove you from my memories?

You have lived in my head for far too long
As if to challenge me
Jeering at me that you can linger
You will… linger

I search for you in crowds
And my heart skips beats
When my eyes play tricks on me
Another mistaken to be you

I see kids
Whose parents look like you and I
And I wonder about our own combination

I am angered by the sudden revelation
That maybe you are not “the one”
That if you were
You would be…here

I am often stifled by my own desperation
Stuck in the story of what was(nt)

I seek songs that would best illustrate my feelings
So complex, a huge mash up of
Lang, Chapman, Kelis, Van Hunt
Is often enmeshed with anger …and hunger

I am enraged with passion
I am torn between the bliss of denial
And the havoc of reality

It no longer suffices—hope
For if you knew me
If you really knew me
You w/couldn’t stay away…

In A Sentimental Mood

Well, not really but I was listening to Coltrane and Armstrong’s classic piece bearing the same name ( while writing my paper, might I add) and these words came out of me. I just had to stop and write:

An Unexpected Memory

I remember those kisses
Ooh those kisses
I could partake for days on end
My lips bruised by your lips
But I loved it

Your body’s heat made me quiver
Before your skin touched mine
And I melted in your arms

The nights…
When you woke me up just to make love to me
And I would be sleepy the next day
Laughing at the incessant yawns

Meeting you at the local coffee shop
Our love mixed with honey
Playing “footsie” under the table
You shy
At your unwelcomed excitement
I’m giddy
Taking a sip of your coffee although I hate coffee
Pretending I was sipping you
It was warm and creamy
Just like you

Then one day the milk became sour
The taste bitter in my mouth
Reality caught up
Lies were spilled across the table
And all that was left for me to taste were my own tears

For months on end my belly was filled with emptiness
Sweetness lost its taste and my heart turned cold

Then another entered my life and tried to woo me
We dined and danced
He smiled
I was polite
And when we kissed
I immediately thought of you…