Affirmation

I read an interesting article on the Daily Om the other day and there was a line in it which will become my mantra: “…affirm the formation of healthy relationships in your life.” How powerful. So, yes, I am affirming…not exactly one type of relationship but all kinds of relationships, including the one with myself.

Support

Quickly I write…my computer is still not the best and shuts off when it gets too hot,but I felt like I need to put words on this blog tonight. I am going through some growth now, but not in some wild and crazy way, which can happen with  growth, but in a very knowing way. I feel supported by things seen and unseen.

There are times that even after a storm the most beautiful rainbow can appear, that’s how I see what happened to me this weekend, and although I will not go into details on this page. I can say that after the tears, the anger and the pain, I find myself recognizing, finally realizing where all that emotion was coming from. I am taking steps to heal in an holistic way, and one that I believe is true to me–whatever feels good and feeds my soul. And I have suport and I am surrounded by love and that is the best time for any kind of growth.

Brother, I’m Dying

I am reading this exceptionally well-written memoir by Edwidge Danticat and I have been moved to tears on several occasions. Any immigrant child who has been left behind in their home country, while their parent(s) went to another country “for a better life,” can identify with this book. Anyone who has loved an aunt or  an uncle like a parent can identify with book. Once, I was so enthralled by a particular chapter in the book, while on the train, and was on the verge of crying when I caught myself in that specific emotion and wondered if anyone noticed. If I were on the train and noticed someone’s reaction like I had to the book, I would want to know more…I might even stop the person and ask.

I remember picking this book up in the bookstore, just to read a couple of lines, when it first graced the shelves , but never bought it. I truly believe that books or  stories find you when you need them or are ready to receive them–I am going home, to Jamaica, in November, after being away for 16 years. God Willing.

How Long Do I Want to Be Loved?

I have been attempting to hold on to the serenity that Ramadan provided me…maybe I should say, the serenity that I allowed myself to regain during Ramadan. Now, things are picking up at work and I am barely going to my retreat during lunch breaks–eating and socializing have taken back their reign. I have only gone twice this week to my sanctuary. Yet, I am thankful, and I am finding other ways and times to reconnect with myself and with the Divine: From deep breaths, and morning prayers, to writing in my journal and reminding myself that I am worth all the goodness in life, to now volunteering at a local food pantry just to get out of my own sense of victim hood that I get caught up in some times…I am feeling more grounded and rooted. This feeling, I know, will not be continuous, life makes certain of it, but I am slowly rebuilding  my foundation (I think), and I pray that on bad days I can dig deep in and not stay down too long wallowing in self pity.

As I write this, I am listening to Dixie Chicks’ Lullaby and a line from the song asks, “How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough?” I am asking myself that questions;  I am feeding myself  those lines, loving me. I want the love that is expressed in that song to be the way in which I love myself– soft, understanding, unconditional love. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.

Just For Today

Being in the present… The more I pray, the more it grounds me. It allows me to take a moment and reflect and check in with me. I have been listening to a lot of India Arie lately. I do not know if I talked about this in past blog entries, but for Ramadan, when I am at work, I have made it a point to take out at least a half of an hour of my day to sit in the old cemetery/new garden in a church nearby, write in my journal and meditate or just sit and admire the world around me–the birds, the leaves falling… this nourishes me. Currently, I have this India Arie song, below, on repeat. There is indeed freedom in embracing the present moment.

One

I am home today–called in sick. Woke up with my stomach not feeling the best and just couldn’t get myself together to go to work–felt like I was pushing a wall. I should say that this was the second time I woke up this morning. The first time I woke up for suhoor (the meal you eat before you begin fasting), prayed and for the minutes after I felt completely one with God and all of humanity. I truly did. I did not want that feeling to end. In that time I wanted to send up my most earnest prayer. I wanted to tear down the emotional walls ( that I am working to break down around my heart) through sending love and light towards my heart.  I offered up prayers and then drifted to sleep.  How amazing.

Loving Hafiz… in Shades of Grey

Not sure if you understand the love I feel for Hafiz’s work. I came across another collection of his work at Borders again two days ago,  and read poems that I connected with immediately. Hafiz, the man whose spirit wondered for Love without labels, who appreciated the grey of what life has to offer and did not stay stuck in the black and the white of identity. I feel connected to him because if I were as  gifted as he, my words would communicate the same meaning—this appreciation for variety. One of my favorite quotes of his delves into not needing the label of religious identity, “I have learned so much from God That I can no longer call myself a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Buddhist, a Jew” he wrote… and yes, I get that. Although I am fasting for Ramadan and I identify with Islam in a tremendous way, I would be lying to myself if I did not say that I do not think that one religion supersedes another, or even the disbelief in one. If you believe in humanity, admire the wondrous splendor of this world and love with honesty and sincerity, that is God—there is not separation in my book, and from what I sense from Hafiz, he understood that.

Another Poem:

Would You Think It Odd?

             - Hafiz

Would you think it odd if Hafiz said,

“I am in love with every church
And mosque
And temple
And any kind of shrine

Because I know it is there
That the people say the different names
Of the One God”

Would you tell your friends
I was a bit strange if I admitted

I am indeed in love with every mind
And heart and body.

O I am sincerely
Plumb crazy
About your every thought and yearning
And limb

Because, my dear,
I know
That it is through these

That you search for him.

Mind Exercise

It is a humid day in New York City today and I feel like my theme song this morning was K.D. Lang’s “Anywhere But Here.” I dragged myself out of bed, ironed my clothes, ate breakfast, got dressed all the while contemplating the beauty of not having the obligation of working or being on vacation. The thing about those thoughts is that for one to really cherish vacations or being off from work, one has to work and dread going there on days when you don’t want to….days like this. So, now I am at my desk, in my cubicle, and instead of typing up notes from a meeting I  facilitated, I am typing this blog entry on Word hoping to post this blog in a few minutes. This weekend went by so fast. I did nothing. I decided not to go to Salsa class on Saturday due to some strange pain in my arm/shoulder—this happened every time I would lift my arm. The pain is almost gone now. I ate not so nice things this past weekend. Actually it began right after my detox ended. I also began the melancholic mind exercise of asking myself, “when ever will I conquer this weight battle?” That wasn’t too good for my self-esteem. So, it is Monday—another four more days until the weekend again. I am here trying to draw myself into the present, to realize that the present is a gift and that being in the moment in the best mind exercise one can have.

On This Sunday Afternoon

Today is one of those days where I just want to not do anything, but the reality is that I have to wash my hair, go to the grocery store, clean my room, power walk and cook…oh, and watch True Blood at nine. I just want to get those things accomplished without doing them…on this Sunday afternoon.

Feeling Good

Since my return from Istanbul it has been interesting to watch my evolution. The first week it was surreal being back home, in Brooklyn, and having the desire to be some place else. I detoxed all of last week, essentially being vegan for a whole week and meditated and did yogic stretches throughout the week, just to ground myself again. I had a great time in Turkey and there was a subtle shift that occurred. Trying to live in the present moment, I am not sure how long this feeling or this shift will last, all I know is I came back with a sense of urgency of wanting to be good, to be truly good to me, my body, my mind and my spirit. I truly want to own Happiness now in a very non-egotistical way, I believe. I wrote in a journal everyday and I have yet to read through what I wrote, but it was interesting the way in which Turkey…Istanbul felt very familiar to me. I have always felt connected to something bigger than my own self, but my experience in Turkey made me live it in another way. This trip was the first time in my adult life where I traveled internationally…and that is a very different experience than that of being a child and traveling. I toured historic sites, hung out a local hang outs in Taksim ( the neighborhood where I stayed) and danced the night away at an awesome place called Cuba Bar.

It is so interesting the inspiration you get from places you travel. Who would have thought that I would revive my love for Afro-Spanish/Latino culture from a trip to Istanbul. Since I have been back I have mainly been listening to Afr0-Cuban/Peruvian/Brazilian music and I have become an active member of my NY Salsa Meetup ( I have been a “member” only in spirit for over a year now). So, I am in a good place…and  I fight the urge, every time it comes up, to wonder when will the bad times or feeling return. I am happy, truly, for the first time in a long time–I am feeling good. It feel a lot more organic. I working on knowing in every fiber of my being  that  I am worth this happiness.