Random Thoughts

Today I woke up immensely tired. I felt as if I needed at least 5 more hours worth of sleep to feel ok. I dragged myself out of bed after waking up late to begin with. Truth be told I have been working very long hours for the past 3 weeks. This hard work culminated into a successful event last night. Yipee! Today, with the demand of meetings and emails needing to be returned, I felt as if I was on autopilot. I hate feeling that way.

In the evening I rushed to my physical therapy appointment –my knees needed some attention. In fact I feel as if a lot of me needs attention…but that’s another blog entry topic…

I ended the night watching Latino in America on CNN. Like Black in America I wonder if these specials do more harm than good. Still waiting on the Muslim in America special.

So, here I am, almost 12am and an end to another day….should go to bed soon, being on autopilot another day just will not cut it, especially when there are things to do.

When the rainbow isn’t enough

This past weekend I watched Brick City, a five-part documentary series about the work that Mayor Cory Booker,other communities groups and individuals are doing to make the city of Newark a thriving city. In one scene ( it was a rather quick scene) there is the little boy, couldn’t be more that 11, who was getting ” beat in” by members of a gang. This, made me scream out in horror. He was a baby being hit by  approximately 10 older boys/men. All trying to welcome him into the “family.” I still have flashbacks of what I saw.  This is not coming from a place of judgment, about whether a gang is right or wrong ( truth be told, there are a lot of gangs out there some are just more socially accepted more that others) but it is the idea of wanting to belong so badly that one would allow a group of people to beat them in. Where is that little boy right now? Has become hardened already? Is he still alive? What crimes have he committed? Does he feel remorse?

There was so much to celebrate from that documentary, the city is making great strides, butthat section still lingers. There was another scence where a principal of the main high school stated to the kids after a shoot out happened in front of their school, “This is not normal.” I think the reason why I cried was the fact that there are a lot of kids, babies, who think that it is.

Acknowledgement Pt. II

Wow, it has been over two years that I have been writing and posting on this blog. And even during that time I have grown so much: The ups and downs, the books and new and old relationships, new lessons and observations–constant interactions with words and imagery from different mediums all have contributed to where I am now. Today is not the actual anniversary ( it is often an oversight on the actual days), better yet, it is an acknowledgment of where I was then and where I am now, and hopefully, the possibilities of the future…

Listening to Adele’s 19 at the moment. Her voices seems to put me in a nostalgic mood.

The Joy of Perusing

It’s 7:51pm, I am still at my job, and I need to unwind. My mind has been spinning for days now.  Yesterday was uncontrollable. Borders will be closing in 9 minutes. If it stayed open for a couple of hours more I would definitely peruse the shelves just to clear my head. It seems like I am barely staying afloat at times, here, at work.  Being the constant perfectionist I want everything to go right, and that I believe makes one mess up even more. When you allow for some type of flexibility and go along with the flow, the ride is often better…I try to remind myself of this. 

By the way: I crave new poetry like the Walcott poem I discovered– ones that light you up, ones you connect to it instantly. Yes, if Borders were open I would totally go and peruse.

Getting to the Root of It All

It has been raining for the past three days,nonstop, this week. It is amazing how the weather can play a role in the type of mood you have. Now, I am almost certain I cannot live for a long time in a place like Seattle. I have been thinking a lot…I guess I do that a lot, but this time I have been thinking about taking over my mom’s garden in the backyard. She hasn’t been tending to it for quite some time, and I miss the earth. I feel like I want to nurture something,but also get something in return. So, I bought a gardening book at the store yesterday. You know, one of those Farmers’ Almanac gardening books. I want to go to the Farmers’ Market this weekend and find out what plants I can buy. Although I grew up growing various plants and flowers, it has been some time since that happened and that was under the supervision of my aunt… a long time ago!

Right now,  I am not sure how big this new adventure will be, or how long it will last but it is definitly worth the try.

When Is it Enough?

In moments like these, when you come home to a crowded room, ransacked with things all over each other, after leaving a party from a person’s wonderful home; when you pass the existence of love in couples and parents to kids–when do you feel like you are worthy of the all that life has to offer? When are you okay with being in a process? Does your emotions continuously ebb and flow in between idealism and gloom? When is it enough?

At this moment, as I am typing, I am thinking about all this– balance, happiness, contentment. What do those words truly mean? I do not know exactly what propelled me into this train of thought, perhaps it reading my soul blogger’s entry today about the simple thing of falling asleep with her husband and the fact that her stretch marks represents the two beautiful children she has…and then I thought about my own stretch marks–minus the kids. Oh, how I am often reminded by someone with a disability that I have a lot to be thankful for, but still insecurities happen. I aim to acknowledge the greatness of one’s life with demeaning the greatness of my own.

Things I Miss and Things I have Found

I miss writing in my blog every day, but I’ve noticed that I have written more than I have in months–hallelujah! I am planning a big trip to Turkey, and as I write this I am fighting the fear of not actually doing it. I am claiming it: I am going to Turkey! I read on my soul blogger’s blog that she compiled a list of 32 things she wants to do before she is 32. My 31st birthday is less than a month away, and so maybe I should do a list for 32. I will share it once I have it. Oh, two new things going on in my life right now: I  am reading Madame Bovary and David Sadaris’s Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and I am doing acupuncture. I will write more; I don’t want the comp. to go silent before I turn it off.

Rehab

You take it one step at a time, literally, for whatever process it is–either coming from a broken heart, losing weight all over again, or all of the above. It is a process, and sometimes when you falter you pay attention to the relapses instead of the times, the moments, when you were on the wagon, you were eating right, exercising, and not reminiscing about the past, but staying in the moment. Life’s a process. I am a process.

I say all of this because I relapsed in the eating department tonight. Yesterday I had my weekly “cheat meal.” ( It was Indian) A cheat meal is where I eat one meal that isn’t “healthy,” but the rest of the week I make sure to healthy. However, I went to this Pakistani restaurant with some friends, tonight, and I cheated again. Thoughts raced through my head, and to be honest they still are racing through my head. I am thinking about my lack of will power, my need to really work out double time tomorrow, or have no more cheat meals for the next two weeks, until I weigh myself at the six-week mark when I should have lost at least 20lbs. So, I write to make sense of all of this, and come back to the question of who am I really doing this for, and what am I really trying to prove? So although I am conscious that this is mainly a health issue for me, honestly, it is also a spiritual thing for me.

This is also test of consciousness– a chance to connect the dots to the root of it all–why to do I get caught up in self-destructive habits at times? It is no surprise that as soon as I broke the promise to myself, and stuffed my face with chana masala and naan, I realized the downward emotional spiral that began, and then yearning to feed this emotion with something else came into my mind, too. Thoughts of love (or infatuation) not surprising, followed, as well… And as I write I am connecting.

When Losing Weight Boobs Are the First to Go!

Yeah, I said it. I am losing weight. I am on my third week and I have lost six pounds so far… mostly in the chest and back. I am happy of course for health reasons.  I just wished it left my belly, first, but being thankful is of course the very yogic thing to do.

As always I wish I had more opportunities to write everything I want to on this blog, but the comp. is sick and I am too broke to buy another one.  As I type I realise that my more recent blog entries have included a line about the lack of having a computer;  I will try to restrain myself with the next entry.

Therapy

Today I begin a yoga workshop. My work is at times, really demanding and I realize that I need some kind of outlet. I started to exercise again around two months ago and I had another  injury and so I am looking for something that is a little more introspective, yet active. I miss working out and with the constant weight gain, and broken promises of making healthier choices, I believe that I am in need of help. I need some kind of therapy and I cannot do it on my own.  I think that even with this acknowledgement I am doing better. So, with putting my pride aside (or even pushing through it) I will begin a consistant yoga practice outside of my home. And even when my gut gets in the way or someone mistakes me for being pregnant (yeah, I know), I will embrace that this is my reality…at the moment. There is,indeed, a lesson– I know it– even though I don’t have everything figured out.

So, while I wait to heal (emotionally, spiritually and physically), I will work through my pride and be not ashamed to admit that I need help. I will remind myself during the moments of self doubt that this acknowledgement is not one of weakness or seeking attention but something I must do.

The thing is, I feel like I am out of whack somehow, that I have lost my life’s rhythmic pattern and I just want to get back on course.