Brother, I’m Dying

I am reading this exceptionally well-written memoir by Edwidge Danticat and I have been moved to tears on several occasions. Any immigrant child who has been left behind in their home country, while their parent(s) went to another country “for a better life,” can identify with this book. Anyone who has loved an aunt or  an uncle like a parent can identify with book. Once, I was so enthralled by a particular chapter in the book, while on the train, and was on the verge of crying when I caught myself in that specific emotion and wondered if anyone noticed. If I were on the train and noticed someone’s reaction like I had to the book, I would want to know more…I might even stop the person and ask.

I remember picking this book up in the bookstore, just to read a couple of lines, when it first graced the shelves , but never bought it. I truly believe that books or  stories find you when you need them or are ready to receive them–I am going home, to Jamaica, in November, after being away for 16 years. God Willing.

Feeling Good

Since my return from Istanbul it has been interesting to watch my evolution. The first week it was surreal being back home, in Brooklyn, and having the desire to be some place else. I detoxed all of last week, essentially being vegan for a whole week and meditated and did yogic stretches throughout the week, just to ground myself again. I had a great time in Turkey and there was a subtle shift that occurred. Trying to live in the present moment, I am not sure how long this feeling or this shift will last, all I know is I came back with a sense of urgency of wanting to be good, to be truly good to me, my body, my mind and my spirit. I truly want to own Happiness now in a very non-egotistical way, I believe. I wrote in a journal everyday and I have yet to read through what I wrote, but it was interesting the way in which Turkey…Istanbul felt very familiar to me. I have always felt connected to something bigger than my own self, but my experience in Turkey made me live it in another way. This trip was the first time in my adult life where I traveled internationally…and that is a very different experience than that of being a child and traveling. I toured historic sites, hung out a local hang outs in Taksim ( the neighborhood where I stayed) and danced the night away at an awesome place called Cuba Bar.

It is so interesting the inspiration you get from places you travel. Who would have thought that I would revive my love for Afro-Spanish/Latino culture from a trip to Istanbul. Since I have been back I have mainly been listening to Afr0-Cuban/Peruvian/Brazilian music and I have become an active member of my NY Salsa Meetup ( I have been a “member” only in spirit for over a year now). So, I am in a good place…and  I fight the urge, every time it comes up, to wonder when will the bad times or feeling return. I am happy, truly, for the first time in a long time–I am feeling good. It feel a lot more organic. I working on knowing in every fiber of my being  that  I am worth this happiness.

The Islands

The place where my soul woke up--"My" Island in Turkey

There are things in nature that make you believe that there is something greater than yourself or just what you know. Today I was reminded of this when I visited Princes Islands, islands two hours (by a ferry ride) from Istanbul. I tried to capture the beauty in pictures but they pale in comparison to the real thing. More to come when I type my journal entries.

Hello From Istanbul

It is almost 3 am  in Istanbul and almost  9pm in New York. i have been journaling every day after I get in and today there was so much to process. I do not think that I can just sit here, with droopy eyes, and do the sites and sounds justice in my state of tiredom. However, I am taking lots of pictures and writing down my thoughts and will post them, maybe in a long blog entry with dates on them…but we will see. Turkey is beautiful, and so is life.

Following My Heart

“I am leaving on a jet plane…” And with that line from that famous song, I am off to Turkey–yeah!!! I am totally excited and right now things seem oh, so, surreal for me. I will be traveling with friends, staying in Istanbul and going to little islands close by. All with this I am thankful and praising God for this possibility. Yesterday, I wasn’t even sure if I was going, and today I am. My friend, Yuly, gave me a journal to write about my experiences there, just like she did when she visited Morocco by herself. I wept when she placed the journal, wrapped with a purple ribbon ( her favorite color) and a card, on my desk–it was so unexpected. The cover of the journal read, “Follow your heart.” In a lot of ways I felt the city calling me and for me to explain what I mean will take more time than I can give at the moment seeing that I still have to pack! All I will say is that Istanbul surrounded me in the past year– my eyes would land on the word a lot. So all praises to the Heavens, my ancestors, the Most High, for this, and may I truly follow my heart. Ameen.

Things I Miss and Things I have Found

I miss writing in my blog every day, but I’ve noticed that I have written more than I have in months–hallelujah! I am planning a big trip to Turkey, and as I write this I am fighting the fear of not actually doing it. I am claiming it: I am going to Turkey! I read on my soul blogger’s blog that she compiled a list of 32 things she wants to do before she is 32. My 31st birthday is less than a month away, and so maybe I should do a list for 32. I will share it once I have it. Oh, two new things going on in my life right now: I  am reading Madame Bovary and David Sadaris’s Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and I am doing acupuncture. I will write more; I don’t want the comp. to go silent before I turn it off.

No Substitutions

I have reader’s ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I have been buying books–great books, but nothing is holding my attention. This past weekend, I made a day trip to Philly and came across a hardcover version of The Bad Girl,the latest book by Mario Vargas Llosa–it was only seven bucks–I had to have it! The thing is, I don’t have the beleif that I will finish this book either. The last book to really hold my attention, throughout was Jane Eyre. There are books that I yearn for, ones that I own but are locked up in storage and when I come across them in bookstores, I am reminded that I actually own then and that it would be pointless for me to own two of the same books– especially when I need to be on a budget.

The Bad Girl is going along fine. It is a good book but I do not look forward to read in after work like I did with Jane Eyre. It might just be my state of mind right now and when I am; It has nothing to do with the books that I own. Maybe my reading relationship mirrors my personal relationship: waiting for The One that will make me look forward to a meeting, an opening, something reciprocal instead of settling for what is in front of me…or in my bag. Substitutions are just that, substitutions, but right now, they’re what I have.

Another Rainy Day…

“Got taken in. We feasted on olives from the fridge…” Those are the first two lines from Corinne Bailey Rae’s song, Another Rainy Day. I love that song– it is so genuine. When I first heard that song I wanted to believe that it was a song about Corinne and her husband when they were courting. It is so sad that he died. I usually do not get caught up on celebrities’ lives that much… well, let me say, I try not to get caught up on the lives of celebs. Anyhoo, it was a hope of mine that someone whose songs are so beautiful and pure would have something like that in reality. Maybe that’s just me being a hopeless romantic, but it would be awesome, wouldn’t it? Who’s to say that her life isn’t or wasn’t that way.

By the way, what are you doing for the summer? I dunno but here is a list of places I would want to go to if the funds will allow me:

1. Boston ( I love that place, maybe stay in Cape Cod for a little bit)

2. Chicago

3. Portland, OR ( Would finally get to visit Powell’s bookstore!)

4. London

5. India ( Although it would be crazy hot, I would love to go. It’s my dream trip)

Oh, to be a dreamer…