Feeling Good

Since my return from Istanbul it has been interesting to watch my evolution. The first week it was surreal being back home, in Brooklyn, and having the desire to be some place else. I detoxed all of last week, essentially being vegan for a whole week and meditated and did yogic stretches throughout the week, just to ground myself again. I had a great time in Turkey and there was a subtle shift that occurred. Trying to live in the present moment, I am not sure how long this feeling or this shift will last, all I know is I came back with a sense of urgency of wanting to be good, to be truly good to me, my body, my mind and my spirit. I truly want to own Happiness now in a very non-egotistical way, I believe. I wrote in a journal everyday and I have yet to read through what I wrote, but it was interesting the way in which Turkey…Istanbul felt very familiar to me. I have always felt connected to something bigger than my own self, but my experience in Turkey made me live it in another way. This trip was the first time in my adult life where I traveled internationally…and that is a very different experience than that of being a child and traveling. I toured historic sites, hung out a local hang outs in Taksim ( the neighborhood where I stayed) and danced the night away at an awesome place called Cuba Bar.

It is so interesting the inspiration you get from places you travel. Who would have thought that I would revive my love for Afro-Spanish/Latino culture from a trip to Istanbul. Since I have been back I have mainly been listening to Afr0-Cuban/Peruvian/Brazilian music and I have become an active member of my NY Salsa Meetup ( I have been a “member” only in spirit for over a year now). So, I am in a good place…and  I fight the urge, every time it comes up, to wonder when will the bad times or feeling return. I am happy, truly, for the first time in a long time–I am feeling good. It feel a lot more organic. I working on knowing in every fiber of my being  that  I am worth this happiness.

Maintaining Balance

I am have only been operating on five hours of sleep today, and I did surprisingly well. This morning I felt tempted to sleep in and catch up on sleep. I worked out instead.  For the past three weeks I have been avergaging 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Last night was a different story.  I did not have adequate sleep nor did I do my nightly yoga ritual–I am harboring on being unbalanced again.  

My goal is to leave work as soon as I complete this blog entry, go to Borders for a few minutes, and then make my way home!

From the Soul

I started out this morning with some yoga ( my arms are getting stronger), some green tea and resounding oms from my core. This is the second day of my five day detox and I have done this before, but I am going to try and try until I connect fully to the true essence of myself.  Those terms, are, I know very general–what is ” the true essence of self?”  Not sure if it’s something that can be defined, really.  It is a feeling, and I guess putting it in words would just simplify the meaning.

On another note, I have decided that I totally adore Isabel Allende. I perused Borders yesterday, after work, and although I know her books, I can say that I really appreciated her, for the first time, yesterday. She is a talented writer, but more importantly, for me, she write from her soul. It really helped that for the first time, in a long time, that particular store had most of her books on the shelves.

A Part of life

It’s the end of March and I find myself slowly but surely reconnecting to my center. I am eating better and I am starting to feel comfortable in this skin…not the “I am not going  to do anything to be healthier and in shape” type of comfortable, but accepting what is and enjoying the presence of this moment. Sometimes I still get caught up in the craziness of negativity but that, too, is a part of being human and a part of this life.

I took a great yoga class on Sunday that just opened me up in so many ways a. The teacher began the class reading a passage about fear and acceptance. It was an awesome passage, one I can only express through the feeling I experienced–connection.  The remnants of that class still lingers…my body repsonded positivily– no extreme pain, I sweated and I feel that good post workout ache after not working out for sometime.

Immunity

I have a cold; not a horrible one but one that is annoying. I had to wake early this morning, for work, and the bed felt so good. So, of course I am using that as an excuse for not going to that yoga class today. Honestly, I think it is best that I don’t attend. It’s not use to spread the germs and my defenses are down and I am not only talking about my immune defenses.

Do Over

Starting over again be a scary thing to do. I think that’s why most of us, humans, try to stay in that comfortable place as long as we can. I am starting over in so many ways–so much so that I stay up in my mind, thinking, a lot ( more than what’s warranted at times).  I have gained most of my weight back. I am in limbo in some ways but I still feel as if my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I am a myriad of complexities and often I am the creator of the confusion.

I say all of this to say, physically, I am at a place of starting over, mentally and spiritually I am at that place as well…to certain degree. I am concerned about hypertension and diabetes. My knees are hindrances and every time I try to start over again when it comes to working out, I injure myself. Starting over is crazy and there is a part of me that wishes that  I can just stay here with ice cream and jiggly belly and just be. And then there is a huge part of me that wants to be the best person that I can be and I hope that that side of me will grow and outshine the part of me that is complacent.

God, the Universe, is giving me a slap on my hand at the moment ( they say that the universe  speaks to you in different levels, first a whisper, then a shout, then a slap on the hand and then a shove to make you listen),  my blood is high and it has been that way for close to a month. Often I can literally feel the enormity of my weight. With all that being said, I am in no rush to do everything at once. This evening, after work, I plan on going to Trader Joes and then my local grocery store to get the stuff that I want to make lunch and dinner. I am taking a yoga beginners’ course, although I hate the fact that my daily attempts of  shoulder stances that my teachers makes us do, is making me more self conscious of my weight–especially when I am the biggest person in the room with all skinny people in the room.

This was not my attempt to vent throughout this blog, but it is turning out to be that way I guess. So, I proved my initial point, starting over is hard but what is the alternative?

Therapy

Today I begin a yoga workshop. My work is at times, really demanding and I realize that I need some kind of outlet. I started to exercise again around two months ago and I had another  injury and so I am looking for something that is a little more introspective, yet active. I miss working out and with the constant weight gain, and broken promises of making healthier choices, I believe that I am in need of help. I need some kind of therapy and I cannot do it on my own.  I think that even with this acknowledgement I am doing better. So, with putting my pride aside (or even pushing through it) I will begin a consistant yoga practice outside of my home. And even when my gut gets in the way or someone mistakes me for being pregnant (yeah, I know), I will embrace that this is my reality…at the moment. There is,indeed, a lesson– I know it– even though I don’t have everything figured out.

So, while I wait to heal (emotionally, spiritually and physically), I will work through my pride and be not ashamed to admit that I need help. I will remind myself during the moments of self doubt that this acknowledgement is not one of weakness or seeking attention but something I must do.

The thing is, I feel like I am out of whack somehow, that I have lost my life’s rhythmic pattern and I just want to get back on course.

With A Sense of Purpose

The New Year for me began in silence. I went to a yoga studio where for three hours– from 9 to 12– I was completely silent. The entire space was silent. Those three hours found me meditating, reflecting, journaling and in between those times, people watching.

I want to improve my yoga practice and although I do not think that I want to continue it at that studio, I am thankful for the space that it provided for me that night.

Now, I am in the midst of finding a yoga space that suits me and I will be taking classes at various studios before I pay for packaged sessions. The Yoga Journal’s January issue has a list of yoga studios that is proving to be rather helpful. And because my knowledge is limited in knowing the various names and poses within the practice, the Journal’s guide helps you find a studio that might suit your personality.

I have decided to live this life with a sense of purpose. There are different things that I want to do but the foundation for me is this state of consciousness I aspire to have that in all aspects of my life. My challenge at this point is to be patient. Being compassionate throughout this process (which is ongoing and continuous) is essential.

Continous Goodness

I had a great yoga session today. I realized that I am more flexible and with that I am introducing more advanced poses into my sequences. More importantly, I really feel this sense of groundedness, which is an interesting feeling. I hope to continue to grow in that direction. I am also realizing that I am just simply turning away from eating chicken and turkey. I feel as if my body is demanding more vegetables. My hope is to have a 80/20 type of consumption rule in favor of the veges, in the future. It is really interesting, I really cannot describe it. The thing is, I do not know if I would totally turn away from all forms of meat, I love me some curry and jerk chicken, every now and again, and I haven’t consumed beef or pork in close to 10 years. What I know now is that I am in no rush, I will continue to listen to my body and make a change when I have the means to do so.

I also have to be realistic: my parents home is a meat loving environment with little vegetables and fruits to go around. I am in the midst of job searching not only for the development of a professional career (although it is important) so to speak, but more in importantly to fund a better healthy lifestyle. My body, my spirit and my soul craves continuous goodness.

Growing In the Midst of Contradictions

I feel like throwing up…literally. Reverse to two hours ago when I sat at the dining room table ferociously eating the americanized version of Chinese food: fry chicken with fry rice…and French Fries. Okay, I know: this sucks! I am living a life of contradictions– yoga/meditations and then putting all that junk in my tummy. I feel awful, physically and emotionally. I woke up this morning, did yoga and meditated. I ended up at the park and even hugged a tree (!) with my nephew. In the morning, I barely ate and then as the evening rolled around I found myself– with my sister– heading to the chines restaurant.

When we arrived home and as I was eating the food, I realized how I was just not enjoying the food. However, I was hungry and continued to stuff my face. I still have half of my food in the kitchen–what am I going to do with the rest of it?

Although I am trying to own my role in it, something has to be said about the importance of being around people who are not into healthy living when that is your goal. Food is literally an addiction for me. I once had a friend who was addicted to drugs and with a lot of the things that he told me, I could have easily replaced the word, “drugs” for the word, “food.” The fact that I live with my family who do not see the importance of havinstock of fruits or vegetable, is difficult. This is even more difficult because I do not have a job that could finance eating entirely healthy. Just a few moments ago, I began to think of that previous line and realized that I could at least control the amount of food that entered my mouth— hello!

There is a thin line between being compassionate to oneself and being just plain ole lackadaisical about the situation—a very thin line.