In this moment, I have realized how much fear has ruled my life. It is Sunday night and I’m playing some Bob, along with surfing the Internet, trying to find an old issue of the O Magazine, where Madeline Peyroux talks about her favorite Bob Marley cd. So, really nothing big. When I am idle, my mind wanders, and I tend to sometimes have my Aha moments and this just came to me: I have been afraid of what the future holds for me. I fear not being loved, not living up to my potential, of making the wrong decisions in life, and so on. The thing is, this fear will perpetuate all this, if I allow it to. I will not be loved by another, I will not live up to my potential, I will make wrongs decisions, because I will be afraid to live.
I cried last night people. I cried in front of a friend of mine who asked me questions about myself that I really did not have the answers to. I bawled because I was frustrated and believed that I should have had those answers because I needed to be perfect–my life needs to be perfect. The thing is there is no such thing as perfection. I have been comparing myself, my family to an ideal that does not exist! This comes from a place of fear–a fear of being misjudged, for not being adequate, for not being accepted.
I needed to cry, I needed to be vulnerable, because I am human. This wall that I have built to protect myself is no longer working for me. My poem entitled “Al Rah-man,” cried out to Allah for the simple act of feeling, of experiencing raw emotion. My prayer was answered. I felt raw emotion last night, over some sushi, in a restaurant. It was a quiet cry, but it was heart wrenching, it was real— it was unexpected. The thought crossed my mind that I shouldn’t post this, but then again, why shouldn’t I? I am not seeking attention. I am sharing.
I know most of the readers know me— some more personal than others, and honestly I do not care how I am perceived by you. This is not in a disrespectful way, you shouldn’t base your actions on how I perceive you either. Sarah McLachlan has this beautiful song entitled “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” and the songs begins, “Oh the fear has left me now, I am not frightened anymore..” and this is where I am. I have loved but I am not afraid to love again. I have made decisions that did not turn out the best way, but I learned a lot from them, and I pray that I have learned my lesson. I have faith that I will be fulfilled in life because I am empowered to do so. Fear does nothing but stifle who we truly are– powerful.
So, with the smell of incense still lingering in the air, and Bob playing in the background, I want to feel people, I want shine and I want live! I want to grow and praise the Most High through my life. I think that is the best praise one can offer to God, a life without regret and second guessing yourself—believing that He has equipped you to live your best life.