I begin this blog entry knowing that stuff happens, however, I have been challenged with my choice of not having a child at the moment. Realistically, it is not a choice (I just haven’t found the right guy,yet) but in a lot of ways it is. As a black woman who has had an absentee biological father, I have made the decision to wait until I find someone who is committed to raise a family in a very different way than I was raised most of my life. This choice has left me with blank stares from mothers in the park when they find that I do not have children of my own and that the child I am with is actually my nephew. Little jokes would arise here and there by family members about me living alone for the rest of my life. “At least you would have child who would be there for you,” they would say.
The state of the black family is unfortunately in peril and although I am open to dating other men of color, my child will be at least be half black and I will be a black mother, inshAllah (God Willing). I remember when I was around the age of 13 or 14 making a promise to myself that I would wait until I worked all my stuff out ( dealing with the daddy factor, having a mom who was burdened carrying a lot of the load and just seeing a lot of people around me full of resentment–dreams deferred) before I had children— because of what my mom went through. Now, at the age of 30 I am realizing that I am probably in the minority of not having a child, and for a while I was feeling down on that fact. However, after watching and reading recent coverages of the state of the black family and reevaluating my life, I am committed more than ever to find the man who is self assured in himself to know that he is worthy of giving and receiving love and being a part of a healthy family makeup. The men in my past were broken souls and honestly so was I (laws of attraction) but during that time I knew that being lackadaisical in protecting myself would be a detriment.
I am tired of the victimization of black women, the continuous story where the men left them to be single mothers. Again stuff happens, but I believe we have more power than we deem ourselves to have. I believe that we need to be more accountable to ourselves: seek upstanding men (and they are out there) to be our life partners. I am talking of course about straight relationships. So for me, the buck or the cycle stops here. We black women should reclaim our rightful place and own the fact that we deserve good men by our sides and yeah, it’s hard— ain’t nothing like a man, but honestly, ain’t nothing like a strong (black) family, either.