I think I need some kind of inspiration. I need something that makes me believe again. I need to believe in something that creates a limitless belief in possibilities within me. Right now, I am barren… I am motivated to register voters for The Movement, but I do not feel motivated to create a movement within myself. I find myself applying to jobs because I am desperate to come out of this rut of eating peanut butter sandwiches and foods that are not nutritious for me. The thing is, what am I really waiting for? Am I waiting for some magical thing to occur, some kind of divine intervention?
Oprah had a Rabbi on her show the other day, talking about the state of our families. He made an interesting point: We often believe we are failures because we compare ourselves to things that we see in the media and other places believing that to be success– material things, other people’s lives. He stated that success is loving your husband, your wife, your kids, taking care of your responsibilities, day to day. I think that I am being bogged down by where I think I should be at the moment– some exotic place, advocating for the rights of people from a village, with a Masters degree, a law degree and two marathons under my belt all this while working on my first book.
I find that I am, at the moment, my worst enemy. My unwillingness to celebrate what I have achieved is holding me back– I am wallowing in my own self-pity… whoa is me. In fact while writing this I have a lot to celebrate and be thankful for. The fact is that I am one of a few within my graduating high school class with a graduate degree. I have a great support system and people who love me. Yet, when I came across a Facebook page of this young woman I knew from grad school who is in… you guessed it– India (my dream place), the green eyed monster emerged. Get this, she was getting ready to spend a week at an ashram. Now, the more I read, the more I wallowed…. and time passed me by– another moment I was not celebrating my life.
I need to change, to be proactive and not reactive. That’s why, get this– I think I am actually going to fast this Ramadan. Yes, people I think so. I need some time to really dig inward. This mental quagmire has to be eliminated. Like Barack Obama said on Thursday, “Enough!”