I am sitting here on the sofa, with incense permeating the air, being introspective. I needed to write. I remember praying and asking God for some guidance and what came to me was that I should write. A vision of the journal that I only wrote in when I was at some emotional extreme came before me.
The house is hauntingly quiet. The ticking of the clock and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard are the loudest sounds in the house–I am home alone.
I watched an excerpt of an interview with Paul Newman and Barbara Walters and she asked him last year, at the age of 82, if he lived the life he wanted to live and he answered,”I have lived a lot more.” Right now, without a job, without the knowledge of what comes next, I wonder about living my dreams, of living my life to the fullest. Now, I feel as if I am paralyzed, emotionally paralyzed–stuck in the quagmire of victimhood. I do not feel like this everyday and yes, some days, maybe most days, I am exuberant about life, but I also have to acknowledge the effect that doing something has on me, of how having a title influences my own sense of worth. I often internally cringe at the question, “So, what do you do?” And as months drift further and further away from my graduation date, the answer of being a recent graduate may soon run its course.
Now, as a person who is rational at times, I do not desire rational thought at this moment. I am admitting my inner fears and being real about them. I do not seek comfort, nor advice. I simple desire a podium to speak.
It is the best of times and the worse of times for me: having a lot of free time on my hands but having no clue of when I will be welcomed into the fold of being an ordinary, everyday working person in this world. Yes, I know that maybe in the future I will look back at this time with envy, when loads of work are due and I am sleep deprived. Right now, however, I seek balance. In my prayer for guidance, I ask for having the sense to honor this moment, this gift. However, on some days, like this one, I am not logical and instead of fighting this feeling, I will acknowledge it and then move on.