(I wrote this entry a couple of months ago, read it to my sister who simply rolled her eyes. After seeing her response, I placed it in the private folder worried about how others might view me, but I think I am better now. I understand that it was more about pride (that made me not post it) than anything else and more importantly, I am ready to let this weight go. Life is really not that serious. If you roll your eyes, you roll your eyes, but if you connect with this, then I am glad to share a little of my life with you.)
Written: July 13, 2008
I am not sure when it began, the getting up on Sunday mornings and along with reading the headlines of the day, also having to read about couples who were recently joined in holy matrimony. An avid reader of The Times,in the past, I would read or at least skim the online version of the newspaper without care for who was marrying whom. However, something changed around a year and half ago, I began to be obsessed with their stories about meeting each other and prayed for more highlights of people of color. I especially looked for stories that could possibly reflect the outcome of my relationship with the guy I was madly in love with at the time. Then, I started to notice other things as well: young couples passing me by, wondering to myself, “how did they know that each other was the one?” Looking at older couples and paying close attention to the wear on the wedding bands to just simply ask, “How did they do it for so long and are they happy?” Additionally, the sudden increase in impending marriages along with the accompaniment of left hands adorned with diamond rings ( mostly by the woman in my graduate school classes) left me puzzled and honestly, secretly wishing that I was starting a new course in life like they were— with someone to share it with.
As times progressed and disappointment followed, when the guy did not live up to who I thought he was, I started to become mired in self-pity. I saw the loss of him as me missing out of something great and even questioned the authenticity of my own self.
I began to realize that this emotional turmoil was not working for me and that I needed an intensive internal audit of myself. I began various things like walking outdoors, praying, meditating, yoga(ing). Then a shift happened, I began to recognize that my outlook changed, not as an outsider, but as a possible participant in this thing called love. Many realizations came to me, including the realization that I am not missing out, that more than likely, the men at those various times in life, who often shared similar traits of confusion, no strong sense of self and lack of honesty, would have been detrimental to both of us–both half-broken souls.
During some of my yoga meditation sessions I simply chanted,”I am surrounded by love, I am loved,” To remind myself that true love begins within. During my time detoxing, I also noticed the Universe giving me examples of true love—friends who have meaningful relationships with themselves (more importantly) and with their partners. Additionally, a couple of day ago, I came across an article by Veronica Chambers telling me that it is O.K.: the obsession with men in the past, and all the other “stupid” things I did with the guys who did not work out in my life was ok. I read her story about losing love and more importantly finding love. I immediately sent the article to my friend who I knew would appreciate the article, as well.
So, I was not surprised when looking up wedding stories this morning, trying to find out if the guy I was totally obsessed with for months, published his weddings announcement that as soon as I began to mentally reprimand myself for holding on to the past, a voice simply said to me, “It’s ok,” and immediately I understood.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7, The Bible