Ngala-Najla

I Celebrate Myself…


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Catching Up

So, my Mac is dead,or, in a state of a deep sleep. It’s been acting up for some time now and for you guys not from the ‘hood, I meant to say that that my computer has been on the fritz for a while. Now my only connection to the World Wide Web is my office computer. I just got the job so of course I can’t be on the web for personal every five seconds. That is not to say that I would be on the computer that much if I had been working there for a long time either, but I digress.

 

Gone are the days of listening to lectures and watching music videos on youtube or listening to my favorite NPR shows, for a while. Where else can I read, or at least browse, practically all the major newspapers and new sites in one sitting. I cannot write on here too much either and so my personal journal and gratitude journal are filled with my deep, penetrating ideas and thoughts.

 

So, below you will find a couple of random thoughts that have been going on in my brain or at least reflect (hopefully) what’s been going on in my life lately:

 

  1. New York City—wow, I forgot about the way people push and shove in the city. I’ve been away too long and I am still at that moment where I am surprised by the first shove or push in the mornings, on my way to work.
  2. Work—I am so thankful for this job. I am working in what I wanted to do, working on the issue of poverty and hunger. For a minute after getting the job, I walked around not sure how to embrace this blessing. I prayed and asked for something and got the exact thing I wanted. I was in awe of that grace for a minute. Not to say that this hasn’t happened before, but for some reason this time seemed a lot more powerful.
  3. Family—I am grateful each moment for how far we have come. I am making pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.
  4. My Health—Working on it. Gotten bigger and possible gained all the weight that I lost three years ago but I am really, really coming from the internal, external mode—learning to love myself and genuinely, not because it sounds good but because I am worth it… and that also means knowing that I deserve a better lifestyle.
  5. My stuff—Oh, how I miss my stuff that’s still in storage in Maryland. I think it is just sinking in that I am going to be here for a while. I am at my parents’ house and so my stuff cannot possible fit. I miss my books and music though.
  6. Music—What the heck is going on? I misplaced my ipod or my nephew placed it somewhere where he forgot where it is. And my computer is out. So ALL my music is not accessible right now. It’s funny, yesterday I had an ongoing play list in my head of songs, one after the other.
  7. My teeth—I know, totally random, but I am so in need a dentist at the moment and my dental plan doesn’t kick in until early next year.
  8. Dating— Um, yeah, about that ________________________. J
  9. Finally, but not really– I am really excited about this new chapter in my life. Hope that I have learned my lessons from the past. I want to be better to me and put myself first. Be a better me to my friends. I want to live in honesty and truth. And most importantly, be as religious in my consciousness and desire for spiritual truth as I was when time were a lot more uncertain in my life.


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Am I Better?

It’s one of those days when you are doing ok, and bam, you are hit with words that are simple but stir something up inside you, some kind of insecurity that you forget was there because it was dormant, like some silent disease. This happened to me tonight, a friend called and we had an ok conversation but the question, “How are you, are you better?” hit me like a ton of bricks and I went there, the place of uncertainty, questioning my friend’s motives. I am in a place where I am doing a whole lot better and I am extremely grateful  for where I am. And I thought that in our conversation, the tone of my voice articulated that I was doing well.

When she asked the question and after we ended the conversation I started to look within. Part of me is still stuck in the comfort of being down and out. I want to leave that all behind. The question seemed to want to drag me back there, to the place where I was sad and depressed. I felt as if she wanted to pry and find out if I was still stuck there and I didn’t have an answer. The correct answer should have been I am good today.

I am torn in the quagmire of wanting people to think well of me all the time. My reaction was what it was and fine for that moment. It was in the past but the feeling, the ill feeling is evident and not only am I questioning my reaction to the question, I am also asking myself: am I truly better?


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First Day

Today was my first day at my new job….yeah!!!!! I found a job. I am thankful and I know that it is indeed a blessing. I am working in the area that I wanted to work: eliminating poverty and hunger. I am extremely excited but also anxious to do well.  All praises to the Most High.


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Jaded?

Can I just say, I love not being in love. I just finished listening to Anita Baker’s song, Body and Soul, without the burden of the often one-sided fantasy, or the disappointment that will surely follow. I might be jaded but honestly I am fine, today I am fine. It is truly swell to just be.


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What I Got From the Campaign

The community of Frankford, in Philly. Where I volunteered on Tuesday.

The community of Frankford, in Philly, where I volunteered on Tuesday.

I am finally recuperating from the countless door knocking and getting bullied by fenced-in dogs in Philly, on Tuesday. Obama is the President-elect and I am ecstatic but also somber. I look at him and all the people who are looking to him for change and pray that he remains on that steady path; that we, as a people are patient, because the road is indeed long.

It’s funny, now that I am reflective on this really long campaign, I cannot help but notice something: those candidates that did not grow naturally and come into themselves authentically, but compromised who they were, for the sake of winning, lost. I look at Hillary Clinton, a woman who I give a lot of credit to for what she did, making the false statement regarding being under fire in Bosnia or holding up shot glasses in bars to show how “down” she was; to John McCain who I believe sold his independent minded, straight talk soul to a Carl Rovian strategy, just to win. I think of this and then look at the way Barack Obama never strayed from the message, never compromised himself, but grew into that leader who was already there within.

This large-scale example was indeed a lesson to me.


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Moments Like These…

I attempted to write posts earlier…and I erased each one. My feelings could not and cannot be articulated in a way that would be sensible to a reader. So, at random, one of the songs from Me’shell Ndegeocello’s album “Bitter” played on my itunes playlist, I also knew that the entire album represented all that I am feeling at the moment: the reminiscing, the hope, the fantasy, the anger, the pain…the healing.

I watched the Noah Arc’s movie today ( yesterday, since it’s two in the morning) and it was amazing. At the end, the words that were said were so important and necessary. I can say that without giving too much away. Let me just say this: love, true love, the one that is filled with respect and admiration, is so flipping hard to find in this world that I give my hat off to anyone who has finds it. Anyways, I came out of that movie with so much stirred up emotion which settled into the muck I described earlier.

We all have our moments.