It’s one of those days when you are doing ok, and bam, you are hit with words that are simple but stir something up inside you, some kind of insecurity that you forget was there because it was dormant, like some silent disease. This happened to me tonight, a friend called and we had an ok conversation but the question, “How are you, are you better?” hit me like a ton of bricks and I went there, the place of uncertainty, questioning my friend’s motives. I am in a place where I am doing a whole lot better and I am extremely grateful for where I am. And I thought that in our conversation, the tone of my voice articulated that I was doing well.
When she asked the question and after we ended the conversation I started to look within. Part of me is still stuck in the comfort of being down and out. I want to leave that all behind. The question seemed to want to drag me back there, to the place where I was sad and depressed. I felt as if she wanted to pry and find out if I was still stuck there and I didn’t have an answer. The correct answer should have been I am good today.
I am torn in the quagmire of wanting people to think well of me all the time. My reaction was what it was and fine for that moment. It was in the past but the feeling, the ill feeling is evident and not only am I questioning my reaction to the question, I am also asking myself: am I truly better?