I Celebrate Myself…

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I miss my computer…


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I am at work, listening to Pandora and Wasted by Carrie Underwood came on and the words– the chorus especially–explains one of my greatest fears: I don’t want to live my life “wasted, jaded.”

This is my soul’s cry for tonight, I believe: not to take this jaded feeling, this anger ( for what wasn’t) over to the next year. I want to live in the moment. I just want to live and follow through with stuff. I don’t want to make this ‘woo is me’ attitude be my constant cry. It is so easy to let life slip by and be in gloom, constantly. I ‘ve been doing a lot of cerebral activity for most of the year, instead of just being active, enjoying life and taking hold of the blessings that have been bestowed on me. The freedom of choice is a blessing, there are people in this world who do not even have freedom.

I hope that’s enough to make me move on…And let go.

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It’s snowing in New York– the first snow of the season. People seem to be really excited about it– me, I am in a state of blah. The other night I told my friend, Latoya, that I might be depressed. She disagrees.

Everyone gets in a state of funk every now and again. I think I am trapped in the “woe is me” type of funk. I haven’t been writing in my gratitude journal lately, I just collapse on my bed, at night, tired and not really knowing why I am so tired.

I am conscious that I am losing sight of the fact that I am truly blessed. It’s like watching an emotional train wreck.

I miss my laptop, my ipod and the myriad of other things that are locked away in storage. I lost my ipod two months ago and my laptop is on the fritz. Some part of my brain is telling me that maybe it is a sign to not look outward for happiness. It’s like the universe is shedding all the materials things that I am dependent on.

There is this song that Me’shell Ndegeocello has on her albom, Comfort Woman, called, “Thankful” and it so in tune with how I am feeling at the moment. I would say both her albums: Bitter and Comfort Woman express my emotions better than I can express at this moment.

I’m ready for some positive thinking…

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How do I love Me? Let Me Count the Ways…

My nephew and I went on a trip to Manhattan today. We saw a movie, ate popcorn, visited the Christmas market, the farmers market and Barnes & Nobles, all in Union Square. He, of course, was wide eyed at everything: the rows of Christmas trees, bags of apples for one dollar, the crowd…I was having a good time exploring the city with him and wondered to myself (especially when I took him to the bathroom ) how single parents do this thing,without partners in their lives, everyday. They make it happen, that’s what we humans do best–adapt.

At Barnes & Nobles I bought him one of those activity flashcards where you match, sound the letters and name the object, and as we were about to exit the store, I saw the new O magazine were Oprah is standing next to her skinnier self asking what happened. I knew I had to buy it and so I returned to the line and bought the magazine.

On the train going home I read the article. Oprah stated that she was “embarrassed,” that she didn’t think she would be talking about weight after all this time. All this resonated with me, although I cannot say that I am embarrassed, I must admit that some of my actions say that I am: holding my breath and waiting for people to ask me about my weight being just one of them. However, as I write this, I realize that a part of me did not believe that I was worthy of being healthy when I was 50lbs lighter and that’s the part I am trying to heal.

One day I will believe, truly believe, that all the good happening in my life is deserved and that if something doesn’t go the way I want it to go, it doesn’t mean that I am being punished. There are times that I get it and then there are days when I don’t. Often it takes just a single incident to make that confidence crumble– a disagreement, an unrequited love, a bad day at work…

To be firmly rooted in love is what I strive for, not from any one person or material thing, but just to know that I am enough. Sounds like a cliche, but no one ever said a cliche wasn’t truth. I want that even on the worse of days, I still love myself enough to know that it is still good to take care of me–to be consistantly conscious. This need to stroke the ego, right away, is damaging to me–immediate gratification ain’t working.

In the article, they were discussing this lack of love and what it means to people with addiction (food,drugs, alcohol, etc). Being good to oneself doesn’t only mean doing so in good times, it means loving yourself especially in the tough times.

So, yes, I had an injury (while I was running), but I ate horrible things after that to feed the emotional and perhaps even the physical pain… Facing the different parts of yourself is important–including the not so nice parts. Honestly, how can you fix something that has not been examined?

In continuing the examination and the healing, I seek to be this woman: my greater self, with a sense of urgency.

I claim to have no answers in this whole, getting up, brushing yourself off and moving on thing we call life, all I know is that patience and love are essential.

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Political Drama

Am I the only one, or is Jesse Jackson Jr. trying a little bit too hard on this whole Illinios Senate seat controversy? I’m just putting it out there. I remember one night, some years ago, coming from my job, which was across the street from The Capitol, and I came face to face with him and he gave me a wink and a smile…I wasn’t quite sure what that was about but every time I see him on TV I think of that night.

Here is what I say about this issue: I think there are a lot of holes going on in these accusations. Now, I don’t know Governor Blagojevich, but there seems to be a lot of generalizations in his conversations on those tapes. However, I am sure that they have more info on this dude for them to arrest him.

I believe that they should just have an election and have the people decide…or those who show up to the polls anyway. On the other hand, this is Obama’s old Senate seat.