My nephew and I went on a trip to Manhattan today. We saw a movie, ate popcorn, visited the Christmas market, the farmers market and Barnes & Nobles, all in Union Square. He, of course, was wide eyed at everything: the rows of Christmas trees, bags of apples for one dollar, the crowd…I was having a good time exploring the city with him and wondered to myself (especially when I took him to the bathroom ) how single parents do this thing,without partners in their lives, everyday. They make it happen, that’s what we humans do best–adapt.
At Barnes & Nobles I bought him one of those activity flashcards where you match, sound the letters and name the object, and as we were about to exit the store, I saw the new O magazine were Oprah is standing next to her skinnier self asking what happened. I knew I had to buy it and so I returned to the line and bought the magazine.
On the train going home I read the article. Oprah stated that she was “embarrassed,” that she didn’t think she would be talking about weight after all this time. All this resonated with me, although I cannot say that I am embarrassed, I must admit that some of my actions say that I am: holding my breath and waiting for people to ask me about my weight being just one of them. However, as I write this, I realize that a part of me did not believe that I was worthy of being healthy when I was 50lbs lighter and that’s the part I am trying to heal.
One day I will believe, truly believe, that all the good happening in my life is deserved and that if something doesn’t go the way I want it to go, it doesn’t mean that I am being punished. There are times that I get it and then there are days when I don’t. Often it takes just a single incident to make that confidence crumble– a disagreement, an unrequited love, a bad day at work…
To be firmly rooted in love is what I strive for, not from any one person or material thing, but just to know that I am enough. Sounds like a cliche, but no one ever said a cliche wasn’t truth. I want that even on the worse of days, I still love myself enough to know that it is still good to take care of me–to be consistantly conscious. This need to stroke the ego, right away, is damaging to me–immediate gratification ain’t working.
In the article, they were discussing this lack of love and what it means to people with addiction (food,drugs, alcohol, etc). Being good to oneself doesn’t only mean doing so in good times, it means loving yourself especially in the tough times.
So, yes, I had an injury (while I was running), but I ate horrible things after that to feed the emotional and perhaps even the physical pain… Facing the different parts of yourself is important–including the not so nice parts. Honestly, how can you fix something that has not been examined?
In continuing the examination and the healing, I seek to be this woman: my greater self, with a sense of urgency.
I claim to have no answers in this whole, getting up, brushing yourself off and moving on thing we call life, all I know is that patience and love are essential.