I Celebrate Myself…

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A Part of life

It’s the end of March and I find myself slowly but surely reconnecting to my center. I am eating better and I am starting to feel comfortable in this skin…not the “I am not going  to do anything to be healthier and in shape” type of comfortable, but accepting what is and enjoying the presence of this moment. Sometimes I still get caught up in the craziness of negativity but that, too, is a part of being human and a part of this life.

I took a great yoga class on Sunday that just opened me up in so many ways a. The teacher began the class reading a passage about fear and acceptance. It was an awesome passage, one I can only express through the feeling I experienced–connection.  The remnants of that class still lingers…my body repsonded positivily– no extreme pain, I sweated and I feel that good post workout ache after not working out for sometime.


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There’s Hope

It’s 6:40 and I am still at work. Had stuff load of stuff to do! Lol. As I was rushing to the bathroom I glanced over to one of the windows in the  large conference room in my office and saw that it was still sunny outside–isn’t that great?! It was a sweet welcoming surprise for me. Spring is here and although it still is a little chilly, there is  hope that the warmth is just around the bend….Ahhh!

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I have a cold; not a horrible one but one that is annoying. I had to wake early this morning, for work, and the bed felt so good. So, of course I am using that as an excuse for not going to that yoga class today. Honestly, I think it is best that I don’t attend. It’s not use to spread the germs and my defenses are down and I am not only talking about my immune defenses.

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Do Over

Starting over again be a scary thing to do. I think that’s why most of us, humans, try to stay in that comfortable place as long as we can. I am starting over in so many ways–so much so that I stay up in my mind, thinking, a lot ( more than what’s warranted at times).  I have gained most of my weight back. I am in limbo in some ways but I still feel as if my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I am a myriad of complexities and often I am the creator of the confusion.

I say all of this to say, physically, I am at a place of starting over, mentally and spiritually I am at that place as well…to certain degree. I am concerned about hypertension and diabetes. My knees are hindrances and every time I try to start over again when it comes to working out, I injure myself. Starting over is crazy and there is a part of me that wishes that  I can just stay here with ice cream and jiggly belly and just be. And then there is a huge part of me that wants to be the best person that I can be and I hope that that side of me will grow and outshine the part of me that is complacent.

God, the Universe, is giving me a slap on my hand at the moment ( they say that the universe  speaks to you in different levels, first a whisper, then a shout, then a slap on the hand and then a shove to make you listen),  my blood is high and it has been that way for close to a month. Often I can literally feel the enormity of my weight. With all that being said, I am in no rush to do everything at once. This evening, after work, I plan on going to Trader Joes and then my local grocery store to get the stuff that I want to make lunch and dinner. I am taking a yoga beginners’ course, although I hate the fact that my daily attempts of  shoulder stances that my teachers makes us do, is making me more self conscious of my weight–especially when I am the biggest person in the room with all skinny people in the room.

This was not my attempt to vent throughout this blog, but it is turning out to be that way I guess. So, I proved my initial point, starting over is hard but what is the alternative?

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No Substitutions

I have reader’s ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I have been buying books–great books, but nothing is holding my attention. This past weekend, I made a day trip to Philly and came across a hardcover version of The Bad Girl,the latest book by Mario Vargas Llosa–it was only seven bucks–I had to have it! The thing is, I don’t have the beleif that I will finish this book either. The last book to really hold my attention, throughout was Jane Eyre. There are books that I yearn for, ones that I own but are locked up in storage and when I come across them in bookstores, I am reminded that I actually own then and that it would be pointless for me to own two of the same books– especially when I need to be on a budget.

The Bad Girl is going along fine. It is a good book but I do not look forward to read in after work like I did with Jane Eyre. It might just be my state of mind right now and when I am; It has nothing to do with the books that I own. Maybe my reading relationship mirrors my personal relationship: waiting for The One that will make me look forward to a meeting, an opening, something reciprocal instead of settling for what is in front of me…or in my bag. Substitutions are just that, substitutions, but right now, they’re what I have.

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Today I begin a yoga workshop. My work is at times, really demanding and I realize that I need some kind of outlet. I started to exercise again around two months ago and I had another  injury and so I am looking for something that is a little more introspective, yet active. I miss working out and with the constant weight gain, and broken promises of making healthier choices, I believe that I am in need of help. I need some kind of therapy and I cannot do it on my own.  I think that even with this acknowledgement I am doing better. So, with putting my pride aside (or even pushing through it) I will begin a consistant yoga practice outside of my home. And even when my gut gets in the way or someone mistakes me for being pregnant (yeah, I know), I will embrace that this is my reality…at the moment. There is,indeed, a lesson– I know it– even though I don’t have everything figured out.

So, while I wait to heal (emotionally, spiritually and physically), I will work through my pride and be not ashamed to admit that I need help. I will remind myself during the moments of self doubt that this acknowledgement is not one of weakness or seeking attention but something I must do.

The thing is, I feel like I am out of whack somehow, that I have lost my life’s rhythmic pattern and I just want to get back on course.