I Celebrate Myself…

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Back Where You Belong

It’s an overcast day in New York City. The clouds are teasing us with sprinkles here and there. It’s been raining a lot in New York, and I know that it has been raining a lot in other cities and towns, as well. This weekend, when taking my usual walk on my favorite street in my neighborhood, I noticed how green everything was—the trees, the leaves on the rose bushes, the grass, all from those continuous showers of rain for weeks on end.

Now, speaking of roses, they are my birth flowers, and the blossoming of the roses and their fragrances reminds me of my impending birthday in a couple of weeks. While on the elliptical machine this morning I was thinking about my birthday, and I was especially thinking about a friend that was really there for me on my birthday last year. The friend who opened her doors and offered to host a party for my 30th birthday…as I thought about her I  hoped that she felt some kind of  happiness, good energy even, in that moment although she is miles away in DC.  This weekend of my birthday she will be here with her mother—it’s her mom’s high school reunion in The Bronx, hmmm the circle of life. Now, I am contemplating, how do I repay her for giving me so much during a time when I was emotionally drained and needed so bad for someone to reach out and pull me out of the darkness. This is not morbid, this is the truth and looking back I have seen how far I have come from a year ago. I realized a lot about myself, and people who were and are in my life—good things and not so good things. I think I am learning the true meaning of friendship, and hope that I am a good friend to people who are my life, as well. All in all, I hope that if there is a dark period in your life…or a couple of dark periods that you will have at least one person who will be that light for you and guide you back to where you belong.


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On this constant journey of letting go, and accepting what is, I have decided to actively meditate before I go to bed each night. Last night I tried to meditate for 5 minutes. It went well. I will try this for a couple of weeks and then increase my time. My mind has been a lot calmer, even before I made this decision to exercise my mind with meditation. I have been taking walks outside, writing, dancing (and listening to drums), doing acupuncture, and praying. The more and more I am realizing that these are the things I am supposed to do. The materials things in my life, the things that I depend on, like my music and my computer, keep slipping away. My ipod’s battery died and needs to be fixed, and my computer…well, you know the drama. The universe as it seems is telling me that now is the appropriate time for healing. I feel I am on the verge of some great truth (First line of an Alexi Murdoch Song). I am inviting answers, and more importantly, I am learning to ask the right questions.

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When Is it Enough?

In moments like these, when you come home to a crowded room, ransacked with things all over each other, after leaving a party from a person’s wonderful home; when you pass the existence of love in couples and parents to kids–when do you feel like you are worthy of  all that life has to offer? When are you okay with being in a process? Do your emotions continuously ebb and flow in between idealism and gloom? When is it enough?

At this moment, as I am typing, I am thinking about all this– balance, happiness, contentment. What do those words truly mean? I do not know exactly what propelled me into this train of thought, perhaps it reading my soul blogger’s entry today about the simple thing of falling asleep with her husband and the fact that her stretch marks represents the two beautiful children she has…and then I thought about my own stretch marks–minus the kids. Oh, how I am often reminded by someone with a disability that I have a lot to be thankful for, but still insecurities happen. I aim to acknowledge the greatness of one’s life with demeaning the greatness of my own.

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Things I Miss and Things I have Found

I miss writing in my blog every day, but I’ve noticed that I have written more than I have in months–hallelujah! I am planning a big trip to Turkey, and as I write this I am fighting the fear of not actually doing it. I am claiming it: I am going to Turkey! I read on my soul blogger’s blog that she compiled a list of 32 things she wants to do before she is 32. My 31st birthday is less than a month away, and so maybe I should do a list for 32. I will share it once I have it. Oh, two new things going on in my life right now: I  am reading Madame Bovary and David Sadaris’s Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim and I am doing acupuncture. I will write more; I don’t want the comp. to go silent before I turn it off.

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I went drumming on Sunday, in a park, in the Bronx.  I felt free, totally free for at least 15 minutes, and I danced for more, to the drum beats. I got sick yesterday, and missed work, and some part of me wonders if this is a way for my body to just detox from all the negativity that was enmeshed in my body: the pain, the unspoken words. It could also be that I walked a lot that day, and also exercised. However, I will take a little bit of both meanings– that my body is cleaning out the negative and it is just plain tired.