You take it one step at a time, literally, for whatever process it is–either coming from a broken heart, losing weight all over again, or all of the above. It is a process, and sometimes when you falter you pay attention to the relapses instead of the times, the moments, when you were on the wagon, you were eating right, exercising, and not reminiscing about the past, but staying in the moment. Life’s a process. I am a process.
I say all of this because I relapsed in the eating department tonight. Yesterday I had my weekly “cheat meal.” ( It was Indian) A cheat meal is where I eat one meal that isn’t “healthy,” but the rest of the week I make sure to healthy. However, I went to this Pakistani restaurant with some friends, tonight, and I cheated again. Thoughts raced through my head, and to be honest they still are racing through my head. I am thinking about my lack of will power, my need to really work out double time tomorrow, or have no more cheat meals for the next two weeks, until I weigh myself at the six-week mark when I should have lost at least 20lbs. So, I write to make sense of all of this, and come back to the question of who am I really doing this for, and what am I really trying to prove? So although I am conscious that this is mainly a health issue for me, honestly, it is also a spiritual thing for me.
This is also test of consciousness– a chance to connect the dots to the root of it all–why to do I get caught up in self-destructive habits at times? It is no surprise that as soon as I broke the promise to myself, and stuffed my face with chana masala and naan, I realized the downward emotional spiral that began, and then yearning to feed this emotion with something else came into my mind, too. Thoughts of love (or infatuation) not surprising, followed, as well… And as I write I am connecting.