Ngala-Najla

I Celebrate Myself…


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Acknowledgement Pt. II

Wow, it has been over two years that I have been writing and posting on this blog. And even during that time I have grown so much: The ups and downs, the books and new and old relationships, new lessons and observations–constant interactions with words and imagery from different mediums all have contributed to where I am now. Today is not the actual anniversary ( it is often an oversight on the actual days), better yet, it is an acknowledgment of where I was then and where I am now, and hopefully, the possibilities of the future…

Listening to Adele‘s 19 at the moment. Her voices seems to put me in a nostalgic mood.

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Brother, I’m Dying

I am reading this exceptionally well-written memoir by Edwidge Danticat and I have been moved to tears on several occasions. Any immigrant child who has been left behind in their home country, while their parent(s) went to another country “for a better life,” can identify with this book. Anyone who has loved an aunt or  an uncle like a parent can identify with book. Once, I was so enthralled by a particular chapter in the book, while on the train, and was on the verge of crying when I caught myself in that specific emotion and wondered if anyone noticed. If I were on the train and noticed someone’s reaction like I had to the book, I would want to know more…I might even stop the person and ask.

I remember picking this book up in the bookstore, just to read a couple of lines, when it first graced the shelves , but never bought it. I truly believe that books or  stories find you when you need them or are ready to receive them–I am going home, to Jamaica, in November, after being away for 16 years. God Willing.


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How Long Do I Want to Be Loved?

I have been attempting to hold on to the serenity that Ramadan provided me…maybe I should say, the serenity that I allowed myself to regain during Ramadan. Now, things are picking up at work and I am barely going to my retreat during lunch breaks–eating and socializing have taken back their reign. I have only gone twice this week to my sanctuary. Yet, I am thankful, and I am finding other ways and times to reconnect with myself and with the Divine: From deep breaths, and morning prayers, to writing in my journal and reminding myself that I am worth all the goodness in life, to now volunteering at a local food pantry just to get out of my own sense of victim hood that I get caught up in some times…I am feeling more grounded and rooted. This feeling, I know, will not be continuous, life makes certain of it, but I am slowly rebuilding  my foundation (I think), and I pray that on bad days I can dig deep in and not stay down too long wallowing in self pity.

As I write this, I am listening to Dixie Chicks’ Lullaby and a line from the song asks, “How long do you wanna be loved? Is forever enough, is forever enough?” I am asking myself that questions;  I am feeding myself  those lines, loving me. I want the love that is expressed in that song to be the way in which I love myself– soft, understanding, unconditional love. Does that make sense? It sure does to me.


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Just For Today

Being in the present… The more I pray, the more it grounds me. It allows me to take a moment and reflect and check in with me. I have been listening to a lot of India Arie lately. I do not know if I talked about this in past blog entries, but for Ramadan, when I am at work, I have made it a point to take out at least a half of an hour of my day to sit in the old cemetery/new garden in a church nearby, write in my journal and meditate or just sit and admire the world around me–the birds, the leaves falling… this nourishes me. Currently, I have this India Arie song, below, on repeat. There is indeed freedom in embracing the present moment.


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One

I am home today–called in sick. Woke up with my stomach not feeling the best and just couldn’t get myself together to go to work–felt like I was pushing a wall. I should say that this was the second time I woke up this morning. The first time I woke up for suhoor (the meal you eat before you begin fasting), prayed and for the minutes after I felt completely one with God and all of humanity. I truly did. I did not want that feeling to end. In that time I wanted to send up my most earnest prayer. I wanted to tear down the emotional walls ( that I am working to break down around my heart) through sending love and light towards my heart.  I offered up prayers and then drifted to sleep.  How amazing.