This is not an ode to a love lost, or a time when I was more financially secure. This is not the moment of shoulda, woulda, couldas. This is the moment when I miss the good times, when things seemed perfect. I miss balance. Being not too much of anything but just being.
I notice that when I try to go there, the place of memories and reminiscing of people no longer in my life, I come out of those periods in a gloom, for days, and I truly do not want that to continue anymore. I want to accept what is and love those who are still in my life. For all the lovers, friends and potentials that are not in my life at the moment, whether by choice, circumstance or a little bit of both, there is a reason why my present is the way it is.
So, in the still of the night, when loneliness taunts me and wraps itself around my heart and my mind, I hope to one day smile at it and say, “It is what it is. This is my reality. I put no value to it. And you will be going to another soon.”
I read the Daily Om from time to time, and there was a line that stated that we need to affirm the formation of healthy relationships in our lives. This advice has been an ongoing mantra for me: “I affirm the formation of healthy relationships in my life. I affirm the formation of healthy relationships in my life.” The thing is, from the genesis of me repeating this mantra, I never included me into the equation, meaning, I never affirmed to form a healthy relationship with MYSELF–the most important relationship of them all.
So, as I continue this mantra I will affirm the most important relationship of them all, and I hope to get to that place where I say to loneliness, “You have no place here.”