Ngala-Najla

I Celebrate Myself…


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Separating Real from the Reel

I went to see Alice in Wonderland. It was an impromtu affair: After spending two and a half hours at Borders, I, on my way to Whole Foods to grab some dinner, decided that to see a movie off the whim. The theatre was around the corner from Whole Foods and I decided to see if any movies were about to start. It was 8:17 and Alice in Wonderlland was starting in three minutes! Well, reader, I saw it. It was…okay but it was the perfect movie for someone who is seemingly having a hard time dealing with reality — her reality.


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Escape

I am in Borders (the second time for the day) and I am typing on my Blackberry — how sheek! Lol. This is really amazing. Oh, the beauty of technology. So, before I continue with my thoughts, please excuse the errors! I am still getting a hang of this thing.

So, yes, I am in Borders. I felt the need to come here today: I was feeling restless and for some reason, reading through books in a place where I am surrounded by books makes me feel… better.

I have been looking through a lot of travel books — books on Paris, Paris, San Diego (planning a trip there soon), DC (planning a trip there, as well), Philly, Paris and now, as I type this, I am in the middle of Eyewitness Travel, New England.

Hmm, do you think I want to escape much?


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Sabotaging Self

I just ate a ****load of Chinese food — fried rice and chicken. Today, I stayed home with a stomach that wasn’t feeling it’s best, but still I ate tons of greasy food. I feel really down about myself and about the fact that I probably have gained all the 70 lbs I lost 4 years ago and kept off for 2 1/2 years.  This makes me wonder, more often than I think is healthy at times: Why do I keep doing this to myself? I feel so uncomfortable in this skin, but yet I am not persistent and the fire that was once in me has gone…or it seems to be only a spark.

Self sabotage is worse than any kind of hurt or pain that someone else can inflict on you. What holds us back from being our best selves? Is it fear, low self esteem, disbelief in having something greater than our present circumstance, or it is…a combination of all those things and more?

Right now, my body demands care. It is in my stomach and in the shortness of breath when climbing slopes and stairs. The need to take care of myself is also reflected in mirrors and on the faces of people when they haven’t seen me in some time. Right now, in my mind, it seems to be everywhere, but alas although the message is loud and clear, each instance is being ignored…and that makes me sad and even more down, but seemingly not enough to do something about it.