Ngala-Najla

I Celebrate Myself…


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Slow Down…?

Reader, with droopy eyes and a tired body I write this. I am perched on a chair upstairs from my room trying to get this out because I have no other tools, other than my work computer and the communal computer at my house, to post blogs because da ta da (!!!) I lost my Blackberry on Sunday. The range of emotions cannot truly be expressed in this post and due to my state of tiredom let me just summarize those feelings by saying that they were mixed feelings(happy, sad, free invaded). I of course know that it could be worse and I have put it in perspective, but I cannot deny those feelings and I will not — it sucks. 🙂 I posted a note in the lost and found section on Craigslist and a few ads down from my own I saw that someone lost their purse, which had their keys,phone, wallet and other things inside of it. Again, Perspective.

Today, I went to Target to buy an alarm clock ( my phone was my alarm…and watch) and I left my book there that I am so engrossed in at the moment (Later went back and found it) and then afterward at the Ethiopian restaurant in my neighborhood, I left my scarf. If it weren’t for the cool air reminding that me that my neck needed some warmth, the scarf probably would have been missing, too. This whole fiasco is reminding of an India Arie song:

Slow Down
So far from where I started out
So far from where I wanna be
Listening for answers in the wind
But can’t find a rock to plant my feet
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Down on my knees and now I’m praying for patience
I know there’s gotta be a better way
In the back of my mind I hear my momma say 

Slow down, baby you’re going too fast
You got you hands in the air
With you feet on the gas
You’re ’bout to wreck your future
Running from your past
You need to slow down before
You go down baby

Thinking the faster that I go
The faster (that) I will reach my goal
The race is not given to the swift
But to the one who endureth
I thought that all my obstacles were behind me
Walking around like I’m made out of diamond
I tripped and fell and it remindedme
Move over and let my angels guideme

Slow down, baby you’re going too fast
You got you hands in the air
With you feet on the gas
You’re ’bout to wreck your future
Running from your past
You need to slow down before
You go down baby

Sometimes you gotta be still
Before you can get ahead
Be still
Ask the universe for help
Be real
You can’t do it all by yourself
Ah, no no
Sometimes, sometimes you gotta be still
It take some time to reach you and they
Be still
Take some time to clear your space
Be real
Chaos isn’t good for yo health
Ah, no no, ahhh
Cuz I’m breaking things and losing things
I lost my cell phone again the other day
Now, I don’t wanna live this way, no
In the back of my mind I hear my mama say

Slow down, baby you’re going too fast
You got you hands in the air
With you feet on the gas
You’re ’bout to wreck your future
Running from your past
You need to slow down before
You go down baby
(slow down baby)
Slow down (baby)
You’re going too fast
Slow down (baby)
Feet on the gas
Slow down (baby)
Run from your past
Slow down baby

 

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How to Turn Things Around

Had a shitty night last night, and although I usually do not swear, I do not think there is another word that describes my overall emotion and feelings like the word shitty, so shitty it will be. The reason or reasons why I ended up in that experience was not –upon closer reflection this morning — just based on what happened last night, if I have to be honest with myself I think it has something to do with the myriad of emotions and experiences that I have encountered for the past few weeks.

Since the death of my friend I have the sense of urgency to live my best life but the interesting thing is that this desire is coupled with inertia…and this isn’t great– I guess–when you are trying not only to figure shit out, but also to do something once it’s actually figured out.

My friend’s passing and the way I have responded to it has surprised me somehow. As I said in an earlier post, although I knew him most of my life, he was more connected to the rest of my family. This disconnect was due in part to me living away from New York City for a while.
When he, Mark, passed away it shook my foundation because he was young, 43, and he was a good person… flawed like all of us, but a good person. Still my grief surprised me and at times I questioned the authenticity of my grief,my sadness. Where was this coming from? Now, do not get me wrong, I have grieved for people who I have not known: from news articles or stories from friends, but this felt different. Why?

The other morning while laying down in my bed the answer came to me: I see a lot of myself in my friend and while grieving for him, I was, on some level, grieving for me. He was a giver (he gave so much of himself: he had so many roles at his church; he was a great father who never missed a school event for his kids, and even played basketball with kids across the street from his church every Friday) but when talking to him, when he was alive, he seemed to have regrets and housed resentment, which often happens when you give and hardly get anything in return to nourish or replenish you. He as it seemed at that time, for better or worse, could not say no, and because of this a lot of people depended on him.

Lately, I have noticed similar feelings within me, and I do not want my life to be that way, but living my best life seems so huge and even when I break goals down one by one, doing them consistently doesn’t last that is if I even begin them at all. Time rolls on though and days become months, then years and then life (with you in the back seat) decides your fate.

I do not want to live my life this way.


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When Love Happens

Last night I babysat my nephew or should I say kidsat my nephew because he has grown so much!
During the night when everyone came home, I continued to bask in all the goodness that is cable (I do not have a TV at my place) and a movie, Love Happens came on. The movie is about a man who lost his wife in an accident, and through that experience became an up and coming self-help guru on grief, who at the time he is introduced to us is on the verge of success. The irony of the story, as in the irony of life, is that he did not overcome his own grief.

In the end, the title Love Happens was about a romantic relationship, although there was a possible something between he and the main female character (Jennifer Anniston). What I got from the movie, what I needed from the movie is that love –love of self, love from people — happens when you accept the light within yourself and most importantly the darkness: the parts of yourself that are not so beautiful and are often hard to love (the anger,the fear, the resentment). When you accept the darkness as well as the light…love happens.