Had a shitty night last night, and although I usually do not swear, I do not think there is another word that describes my overall emotion and feelings like the word shitty, so shitty it will be. The reason or reasons why I ended up in that experience was not –upon closer reflection this morning — just based on what happened last night, if I have to be honest with myself I think it has something to do with the myriad of emotions and experiences that I have encountered for the past few weeks.
Since the death of my friend I have the sense of urgency to live my best life but the interesting thing is that this desire is coupled with inertia…and this isn’t great– I guess–when you are trying not only to figure shit out, but also to do something once it’s actually figured out.
My friend’s passing and the way I have responded to it has surprised me somehow. As I said in an earlier post, although I knew him most of my life, he was more connected to the rest of my family. This disconnect was due in part to me living away from New York City for a while.
When he, Mark, passed away it shook my foundation because he was young, 43, and he was a good person… flawed like all of us, but a good person. Still my grief surprised me and at times I questioned the authenticity of my grief,my sadness. Where was this coming from? Now, do not get me wrong, I have grieved for people who I have not known: from news articles or stories from friends, but this felt different. Why?
The other morning while laying down in my bed the answer came to me: I see a lot of myself in my friend and while grieving for him, I was, on some level, grieving for me. He was a giver (he gave so much of himself: he had so many roles at his church; he was a great father who never missed a school event for his kids, and even played basketball with kids across the street from his church every Friday) but when talking to him, when he was alive, he seemed to have regrets and housed resentment, which often happens when you give and hardly get anything in return to nourish or replenish you. He as it seemed at that time, for better or worse, could not say no, and because of this a lot of people depended on him.
Lately, I have noticed similar feelings within me, and I do not want my life to be that way, but living my best life seems so huge and even when I break goals down one by one, doing them consistently doesn’t last that is if I even begin them at all. Time rolls on though and days become months, then years and then life (with you in the back seat) decides your fate.
I do not want to live my life this way.