As I sat down at Whole Foods Union Square, I immediately felt this immense guilt. I have been spending money like crazy, although I should be moving more to the land of the frugal. I needed a pair of shoes and so I bought it. Of all the things that I bought today that was the only thing I needed. The other things that I bought came from me wanting to be liked (the almost $60 worth of products at Aveda although I went in just to buy one product for $25; the book from an independent bookstore because I was the only one in the store and I meandered for some time while chatting it up with the owner — I didn’t want to waste his time). Then there was the money that I spent when I went into Duane Reade to buy a band aid because my new shoes was rubbing against the back of my foot…so, the planned $1.99 turned into the unplanned $10.72 expense. What the F is wrong with me?!
I am seeking something to fill a void I do not understand
In pastas ladened with alfredo sauce and gossiped filled words in tabloid magazines
In books in the corner of empty bookstores
And crowded restaurants.
Not one extreme action conquers this pain
Not a shaven head
Nor a mind stilled by meditation
The ache of missing you
Is mired in laughter and sarcastic rebuttals
For I am afraid to admit the loneliness of not knowing where you are
Not being able to share moments of silence and robust joy.
I long for the day to meet you again
You, the distant stranger
To greet you at my door
To look at you in the mirror and say welcome home.