I Celebrate Myself…

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Living the Questions

“…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

                           –Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to A Young Poet


The Berkshires (December 2013): A view of the lake, mountains… and trees.

A few days ago I returned to New York City after a few days in the Berkshires. I just wrote that line in the voice of a woman of luxury but in actuality I went to Kripalu, a yoga, holistic center to assist my teacher/mentor during her workshop. Unlike other years I have visited Kripalu, I did not have much time to myself. I did set up and set down each morning before each session but still I was able to get some nourishing just being there. I had some time to walk the grounds, see the trees and look at the sky. I ate their yummy meals and took in the energy of other seekers. I am a seeker, a constant seeker I think. I am seeker of love, of understanding and answers. Answers to questions that I sometimes cannot articulate but feel them so strongly in my body.

My practice has been been inconsistent at times and although I know that being consistent in yoga, prayer and meditation is the time when I feel truly connected to my true self and to Self, I have been rebellious against my practice. Why? I really do not know. I feel as if I am in a quagmire of a sort, waiting to see who or what will pull me out of it.

This morning I came to the realization that it is my ego that is leading me, telling me that I am separate…I think I read that somewhere. And although this premise might have been originally conceived by another (unknown author), I claimed it today as my own. Now, I believe that this possibility of truth (that my ego is leading me) is in a big way reinforces the subliminal belief within myself that I am somehow disconnected. That I am not understood and so why practice.

It is interesting to be a witness to it all, actually, as if it were a play and yet I am not sure if I am the villian or the victim…the saviour or saint. I am not sure…???



Nelson Mandela

It took me some time to write about Nelson Mandela…because I had to take the time to in some way “deal” with him passing. When I say “deal with his passing”, it is not about his death per se — he was 95 years old.  For me it was more about his life and what it meant to me, so maybe I had to take the time to deal with his legacy…and also the legacy of the people who will not be and were not elevated like Mandela. People like Stephen Biko, Ahmed Kathrada, all the countless students  and people who marched, were jailed and killed fighting for freedom and equality during the Anti-Apartheid Movement. So for me Mandela is a symbol of a movement that is so massive that upon reflection I am humbled. 

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Answering the Call


I have been feeling some deep seated loneliness for a week or so and I say this…write this, not for pity or some dramatic flare but it’s my reality at the moment. It is not constant but it is there and so as I stated in my previous post, I have realized the importance of practice and see this feeling as a call, from my soul, to look inward. What is the ache all about?

I am not sure there is one answer to this but right I know that I am in need of something that no one else can fulfill but me. This is not to say that I do not need support…I truly, truly do. I will seek it within me and within others who can provide this support to me right now. When my ex passed, I shared this with a few people and most turned it around to be more about them and there were even a few times when I found myself being the rock to them when I needed it.

I am realizing more and more everyday that not everyone can be what you need them to be and to share your pain with others is something that needs to be deliberate — intentionally sharing with someone who can truly “hold the space” for you. So I am seeking professional help and as the person who is often there for others, I am realizing that that my expectation that others will reciprocate that same thing in my time of pain is probably too high. Sometimes I wonder is I project independence too much actually and that maybe I always come across as strong. Is it perceived that I do not need something or someone on which to lean…I do not know.

Why am I saying all this? First, I need to. Second, I think that too many of us are pretending to have life figured when the truth is most of us are scared and for those who might have it figured out, figuring it out or having balance or peace is not something that once you find it is constant. It takes a lot of work. For me I am ready to do this work and will find a way to commit to it often. My soul is aching for a renewal and so I am answering that call. What does that look like? I am still working on that but right now what is calling is creativity — dance and writing; detoxing  — emotional, physical and spiritual detox; affirmations, therapy, sleep, exercise, meditation, yoga, and a whole lot of connecting with nature.

While I am figuring it all out, I will work hard to take deep breaths along the way.