“…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
–Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to A Young Poet
A few days ago I returned to New York City after a few days in the Berkshires. I just wrote that line in the voice of a woman of luxury but in actuality I went to Kripalu, a yoga, holistic center to assist my teacher/mentor during her workshop. Unlike other years I have visited Kripalu, I did not have much time to myself. I did set up and set down each morning before each session but still I was able to get some nourishing just being there. I had some time to walk the grounds, see the trees and look at the sky. I ate their yummy meals and took in the energy of other seekers. I am a seeker, a constant seeker I think. I am seeker of love, of understanding and answers. Answers to questions that I sometimes cannot articulate but feel them so strongly in my body.
My practice has been been inconsistent at times and although I know that being consistent in yoga, prayer and meditation is the time when I feel truly connected to my true self and to Self, I have been rebellious against my practice. Why? I really do not know. I feel as if I am in a quagmire of a sort, waiting to see who or what will pull me out of it.
This morning I came to the realization that it is my ego that is leading me, telling me that I am separate…I think I read that somewhere. And although this premise might have been originally conceived by another (unknown author), I claimed it today as my own. Now, I believe that this possibility of truth (that my ego is leading me) is in a big way reinforces the subliminal belief within myself that I am somehow disconnected. That I am not understood and so why practice.
It is interesting to be a witness to it all, actually, as if it were a play and yet I am not sure if I am the villian or the victim…the saviour or saint. I am not sure…???