I have been feeling some deep seated loneliness for a week or so and I say this…write this, not for pity or some dramatic flare but it’s my reality at the moment. It is not constant but it is there and so as I stated in my previous post, I have realized the importance of practice and see this feeling as a call, from my soul, to look inward. What is the ache all about?
I am not sure there is one answer to this but right I know that I am in need of something that no one else can fulfill but me. This is not to say that I do not need support…I truly, truly do. I will seek it within me and within others who can provide this support to me right now. When my ex passed, I shared this with a few people and most turned it around to be more about them and there were even a few times when I found myself being the rock to them when I needed it.
I am realizing more and more everyday that not everyone can be what you need them to be and to share your pain with others is something that needs to be deliberate — intentionally sharing with someone who can truly “hold the space” for you. So I am seeking professional help and as the person who is often there for others, I am realizing that that my expectation that others will reciprocate that same thing in my time of pain is probably too high. Sometimes I wonder is I project independence too much actually and that maybe I always come across as strong. Is it perceived that I do not need something or someone on which to lean…I do not know.
Why am I saying all this? First, I need to. Second, I think that too many of us are pretending to have life figured when the truth is most of us are scared and for those who might have it figured out, figuring it out or having balance or peace is not something that once you find it is constant. It takes a lot of work. For me I am ready to do this work and will find a way to commit to it often. My soul is aching for a renewal and so I am answering that call. What does that look like? I am still working on that but right now what is calling is creativity — dance and writing; detoxing — emotional, physical and spiritual detox; affirmations, therapy, sleep, exercise, meditation, yoga, and a whole lot of connecting with nature.
While I am figuring it all out, I will work hard to take deep breaths along the way.