Each morning I wake up, I work hard to not take it for granted that I am here. The realities of death and life are more poignant as I get older. I am so grateful for this moment of reflection. The fog of the morning beckons me to be still and sing praises to the Most High. I am in Prospect Park where the chirping of the birds and the gentle waves of the lake are soothing. The intermittent passing of ducks on the lake and birds flying low so that their wingtips touch the water leaves me in awe. And every time a bird flies close to me, so close that I can hear the fluttering of their wings, I feel even more blessed.
This afternoon, I laid in savasana, the final yogic pose in a yoga session where your body is completely at still, and I listened to the words of Ben Harpers song, I am Blessed. I have never hard that song before and it was a sweet addition to my day, which I took off.
Yesterday I celebrated my birthday with a birthday brunch. It was lovely. It wa perfect. In savasana listening to Ben Harper’s words and the drums playing, I could not resist the tears forming under my closed eyelids. There is no denying the blessings that I have.
I have been working on being better to myself for about 2 weeks now. I found out recently from my doctor that in addition to having high blood pressure, I am pre-diabetic, have very low Vitamin D levels and anemic. I have since lost 7 pounds in the two weeks and have increased my veggie intake and stopped buying breakfast and lunch from the community I work in. East New York is a food dessert. Sodium is often high in the food and almost every other thing is fried… even if the end result is a stew.
Ironically, my current weight (after the 7lb loss) is the same as I was a
approximately 10 years ago when I begun the journey of losing 70 lbs. After losing that weight and then suffering from an injury and a broken heart, I went right back to food. The way in which I lost the weight was healthy but exercising became my obsession; it became my new vice in a lot of ways and I didn’t deal with the real stuff: the internal self hate and feelings of unworthiness that led to the overeating. I can say that more and more I feel and see the connection between how I treat my body and the love that I feel about myself and the way in which I allow others to treat me.
So, as I sit here in the Prospect Park looking upon the water, I pray for physical and spiritual healing and I am grateful for each moment, each opportunity to start anew.
I woke up this morning listening to the beautiful voice of Snatum Kuar Khalsa, singing about grace and divine connection. Feeling completely in tuned, I ushered up prayers of thanksgiving and requests for guidance as I begin the day. There is so much that is uncertain. What is only certain is each specific moment. Truly being in the moment can seem, at times, to be an elusive experience but when it happens it is pure bliss.
Thursday night I started to feel a little “off” and tried to go to bed early ( I didn’t) after taking some home remedies. By Friday afternoon my throat was itchy and I knew I was coming down with something. The cold didn’t help. Yet, there is so much for which to be grateful: I have a warm home and bed and I have the funds to make….soup!
I have been feeling some deep seated loneliness for a week or so and I say this…write this, not for pity or some dramatic flare but it’s my reality at the moment. It is not constant but it is there and so as I stated in my previous post, I have realized the importance of practice and see this feeling as a call, from my soul, to look inward. What is the ache all about?
I am not sure there is one answer to this but right I know that I am in need of something that no one else can fulfill but me. This is not to say that I do not need support…I truly, truly do. I will seek it within me and within others who can provide this support to me right now. When my ex passed, I shared this with a few people and most turned it around to be more about them and there were even a few times when I found myself being the rock to them when I needed it.
I am realizing more and more everyday that not everyone can be what you need them to be and to share your pain with others is something that needs to be deliberate — intentionally sharing with someone who can truly “hold the space” for you. So I am seeking professional help and as the person who is often there for others, I am realizing that that my expectation that others will reciprocate that same thing in my time of pain is probably too high. Sometimes I wonder is I project independence too much actually and that maybe I always come across as strong. Is it perceived that I do not need something or someone on which to lean…I do not know.
Why am I saying all this? First, I need to. Second, I think that too many of us are pretending to have life figured when the truth is most of us are scared and for those who might have it figured out, figuring it out or having balance or peace is not something that once you find it is constant. It takes a lot of work. For me I am ready to do this work and will find a way to commit to it often. My soul is aching for a renewal and so I am answering that call. What does that look like? I am still working on that but right now what is calling is creativity — dance and writing; detoxing — emotional, physical and spiritual detox; affirmations, therapy, sleep, exercise, meditation, yoga, and a whole lot of connecting with nature.
While I am figuring it all out, I will work hard to take deep breaths along the way.
I have found that I have become aware of my resistance to accepting who I am completely, always looking at what I can change and what needs to be “improved”. What has become even more obvious to me is that I am operating at a great loss and not realizing what I have in the present. Psychologist Carl Rogers once wrote, ” The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Paradox it is!
There are things about me personality wise, physical wise, familial wise that I would like to change and yet I desire to find people in my life who will accept all parts of me. Interesting isn’t it? Where I am in this moment is at another level of self acceptance that is a true intimate one. What that means to me right now is to truly and completely walk in the beauty that is me.
Whatever change that need to happen to increase healing, I know a big part of it is acceptance.