I read an interesting article on the Daily Om the other day and there was a line in it which will become my mantra: “…affirm the formation of healthy relationships in your life.” How powerful. So, yes, I am affirming…not exactly one type of relationship but all kinds of relationships, including the one with myself.
Today I woke up immensely tired. I felt as if I needed at least 5 more hours worth of sleep to feel ok. I dragged myself out of bed after waking up late to begin with. Truth be told I have been working very long hours for the past 3 weeks. This hard work culminated into a successful event last night. Yipee! Today, with the demand of meetings and emails needing to be returned, I felt as if I was on autopilot. I hate feeling that way.
In the evening I rushed to my physical therapy appointment –my knees needed some attention. In fact I feel as if a lot of me needs attention…but that’s another blog entry topic…
I ended the night watching Latino in America on CNN. Like Black in America I wonder if these specials do more harm than good. Still waiting on the Muslim in America special.
So, here I am, almost 12am and an end to another day….should go to bed soon, being on autopilot another day just will not cut it, especially when there are things to do.
This past weekend I watched Brick City, a five-part documentary series about the work that Mayor Cory Booker,other communities groups and individuals are doing to make the city of Newark a thriving city. In one scene ( it was a rather quick scene) there is the little boy, couldn’t be more that 11, who was getting ” beat in” by members of a gang. This, made me scream out in horror. He was a baby being hit by approximately 10 older boys/men. All trying to welcome him into the “family.” I still have flashbacks of what I saw. This is not coming from a place of judgment, about whether a gang is right or wrong ( truth be told, there are a lot of gangs out there. Some gangs are just more socially accepted more that others) but it is the idea of wanting to belong so badly that one would allow a group of people to beat them in. Where is that little boy right now? Has he become hardened already? Is he still alive? What crimes have he committed? Does he feel remorse?
There was so much to celebrate from that documentary, the city is making great strides, but that section still lingers. There was another scence where a principal of the main high school stated to the kids after a shoot out happened in front of their school, “This is not normal.” I think the reason why I cried was the fact that there are a lot of kids, babies, who think that it is.
There is so much to do at work, at the moment, and juggling various balls in the air seems to be a real circus act. In my personal life I feel– not frustrated–but not impressed by the way I have moved my own personal goals to the back burner. We are often told that we should put ourselves first, but there is never a blueprint to follow. Each decision comes with its own consequence and just when you have time to take a break, it is time for bed. I do not think I want to live me life between circus acts and slumber. I want to live a full life, but where is the blueprint for that,too?
Quickly I write…my computer is still not the best and shuts off when it gets too hot,but I felt like I need to put words on this blog tonight. I am going through some growth now, but not in some wild and crazy way, which can happen with growth, but in a very knowing way. I feel supported by things seen and unseen.
There are times that even after a storm the most beautiful rainbow can appear, that’s how I see what happened to me this weekend, and although I will not go into details on this page. I can say that after the tears, the anger and the pain, I find myself recognizing, finally realizing where all that emotion was coming from. I am taking steps to heal in an holistic way, and one that I believe is true to me–whatever feels good and feeds my soul. I have support, and I am surrounded by love and that is the best time for any kind of growth.