Accepting What Is

                              Early Morning                                       Cahuita, Costa Rica, 2010

I have found that I have become aware of my resistance to accepting who I am completely, always looking at what I can change and what needs to be “improved”. What has become even more obvious to me is that I am operating at a great loss and not realizing what I have in the present. Psychologist Carl Rogers once wrote, ” The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Paradox it is!

There are things about me personality wise, physical wise, familial wise that I would like to change and yet I desire to find people in my life who will accept all parts of me. Interesting isn’t it? Where I am in this moment is at another level of self acceptance that is a true intimate one. What that means to me right now is to truly and completely walk in the beauty that is me.

Whatever change that need to happen to increase healing, I know a big part of it is acceptance.

Back on Solid Ground

I lit three candles this morning on my windowsill after meditation. I offered up a prayer of surrender for the things that are most heavy on my heart. I prayed for a shift in perspective, to be in earnest service to the highest good, which is love and that for times when I succumb to less that I be lifted up and for grace to intercede in whatever way possible, through another person, a tree, the angels… the truth is I cannot do this thing called life alone and sometimes forget that the Universe, the Most High, is available to me at any time.

Today, in Brooklyn, it’s snowing and there are gray skies; however, I feel very connected this morning and for that I am most grateful.

Go Figure!

It’s never a good thing when part of the reason why you’re seeking therapy is to deal with attachment and abandonment issues and on the first day, your potential therapist forgets about your appointment.

Vivir Mi Vida/C’est Le Vie

I listened to a song yesterday by Marc Anthony entitled VIvir Mi VIda*. The song translates, to live my life. I enjoyed this song immensely and proclaimed it, on Facebook, as my theme song. The truth is, I want to embody the words of the song as much as I can. This life is beautiful,complex, messy, it is painful and sad. It is everything. Within all these potential experiences, what I want to be is truthful and honest. I don’t want to pretend to be other than what is real for me in each moment. To be clear, this is very different from wallowing in pity or shame. When I say I don’t want to pretend I mean I want to be aware, conscious…I want to taste life, touch it and feel it AND honestly, I want life to experience me. Yes, I do. This is not a self proclamation of how amazing I am but I am recognizing that to truly experience life is to dance with it, connect with it, speak to it and be mad at it at times. That’s what I mean. So I will make the words of the song my own…I will live my life… I will own my life and its experiences. I think this is what the words of “Vivir Mi Vida” truly mean. 

Vivir Mi Vida is a remake of Cheb Khaled C’est Le Vie

May You Be At Peace Forever…

Today marks the 40th day that my friend passed. We were lovers actually, in every sense of the word. Although it was long ago, it was a relationship that I cherished and look back with great fondness. His passing, his choice to take his own life was and is still very hard for me…

The reality is that no matter the separation of any relationship, energetically you are not separate from one another. This was especially true with my relationship with my ex. I moved on and so did he. He found someone to marry and had children. He battled his demons for a very long time (thankfully he showed me the very best of himself during our time together) and they won 40 days ago.

I grew up in Jamaica hearing that after a person dies they roam the earth for 40 days, connecting with their loved ones. I have felt his presence a few times. So on the spiritual level I hope that he has had the time to find what he couldn’t in the physical.

May you soar my friend, my love. May you attain the greatness in the next life that you couldn’t tap into in this life and may you be at peace forever.

Margin Release

Margin Release – Definition: “A manually operated key or lever that moves the center post out of contact with the margin, so that typing may be continued past the preset stop.”

Today I had two amazing finds: one ring made out of a NYC token and another made out of an old typewrite key. The key is “margin release”.  I felt connected to it right away. I purchased it at Brooklyn Flea. Both the vendor and I did not know what the margin release button did and so I looked it up. When I read the function of the button I smiled to myself…

In a lot of ways that’s what’s happening to me right now, the realities of life pushing me out of my comfort zone, pushing me to feel and connect, to be vulnerable, to pause and to be ok with not having the answer or ok with being misunderstood. My boundaries are being pushed and I know that with this immense growth, surrender is muey importante.

In the past fews months I have found that when I have allowed pride to take a hold of me, I am often spiritually and emotionally limited. So when I saw this ring, I bought it and I will wear it as a reminder that within life there is a key (GRACE) that allows me to add more words even when there appears to be boundaries.